Don't Spend £800 on a Japanese Toilet - Buy a £30 Bidet

There was a fascinating article on HackerNews this morning about Japanese toilets.

As someone who does his best thinking on the can, I've often wondered about "investing" in super Japanese-style loo seat. The problem is, once you factor in plumbing and electrical work, they cost around £800!

That's a lot of cash to pay without first road testing something you're going to be using every day.

So, I looked at cheaper options. When I was in India, I got used to using a Shataff - AKA "Bum Gun".

A hose, next to the toilet, which one uses to spray clean one's chocolate starfish. Sadly, the layout of our bathroom made it logistically tricky to fit - so I settled for a bidet attachment.

For a shade under £30, WooooW.eu sold me a kit to add a high pressure, cold water, bottom cleaner, to my existing toilet.

There are similarly priced bidets which will plumb into hot water as well - should you not wish to be jolted awake by an icy blast of water aimed square up your jacksie - but my bathroom arrangement didn't allow for that.

(Interestingly, that one lists as a feature "Self-cleaning function - Woman-cleaning function." Which I assume means that it has an adjustable aim, not that you can optionally allow your wife to spray it with harpic....)

Fitting

Even with my limited DIY skills, I was able to fit the tubes to the pipes, and the bidet to the stall. It really is a lazy Saturday afternoon job.

The WooooW bidet is really cheaply made. I had to disassemble it and put it back together so it could handle our water pressure. Oh, and the pressure gauge is wrong - the "on" position is actually "off". Do me a favour and buy a slightly more expensive one with decent quality control, eh?

Use

Those of you with sufficient testosterone will probably be aware of the phrase "like trying to get peanut butter out of a shag-pile carpet."

Or, to put it in a different context, if you accidentally got mud on your hand would you rub it off with a bit of scratchy paper, or run some water over it first?

Yeah, exactly. Your posterior deserves the same treatment.

When you turn on the device - slowly! - the water begins to trace a parabola. As you increase the pressure, the apex of the arc intersects with the lower intestinal opening. That's a fancy way of saying the water rushes up to meet your anus.

By either adjusting the pressure, or moving your hind quarters, you can get the water to wash away your troubles.

A small note of caution: going to maximum pressure can give you an unexpected prostate massage which (depending on your proclivities) may or may not be the perfect start to your day.

The cleaning sensation is odd, initially. If you're not used to fresh water targeting your back passage it will feel quite unnatural. But, after a few goes, you simply won't believe how you managed without it! No more scraping away at that delicate skin to remove the last vestiges of last night's curry - just wash and dry. Hey presto, a sparklingly clean balloon knot.

I'm not going to claim that this mild form of colonic irrigation will cure cancer, or relieve depression. What it will do is put a spring in your step and give you the confidence that your bungus hygiene is of Olympic standard.

I'm quite serious, invest a few quid in a bidet attachment. No one likes skidmarks.