Toilet Review! Better Bathrooms Smart Toilet Seat

I want to make one thing very clear. Despite my propensity for IoT gadgetry, I did not connect my toilet to the Internet!

It's 2024. Why are you still scraping your arsehole with paper like some kind of 20th century throwback? A decade ago, I got a cheap bidet attachment. It wasn't great. The water was cold, the fittings leaked, and the plastic was creaky.

For our recent bathroom renovation, I decided that I wanted to get a proper Japanese style toilet with integrated bidet and all the technology I could find.

That didn't quite pan out. You can pay literally thousands of pounds for a "smart" toilet. And if you want the seat separately, that can cost several hundred quid as well. As much as I value my posterior, I didn't fancy paying through it!

But, with diligent research, I found one for £300 - that included the toilet, cistern, and smart seat.

It has blinkenlights!

What it does

Oh! A whole bunch! It offers rear and front wash - with an adjustable angle. It warms the water to your preferred temperature. While it is washing, it can oscillate and massage. And the whole thing can be controlled by a couple of built-in buttons, or a relatively simple remote control.

There's also a little hatch for putting in some limescale remover, and a drain hole if you need to empty the bidet's tank - so should be pretty good for maintenance.

The remote has a magnetic holster which can be stuck to a nearby surface.

Oh, and there's a handy night-light.

What it doesn't

At this price, there are limits to the technology. The seat isn't heated. The toilet lid doesn't automatically open or close. It doesn't play a little tune while you're going about your business. There's no air-dryer to remove excess water from your botty. No UV light sterilisation. The flush is manual - although it is dual control. It won't spray perfume into the water after a particularly troublesome dump.

Although there's a remote, the number of buttons build in to the seat are limited - front, back, and stop.

And, crucially, there's no Internet or Bluetooth connectivity.

Look, I know you think I'm stupid. But I would have like to control it from my phone. I'm going to be taking it in there with me anyway, so why can't I open an app to load my water temperature preferences?

The tech

The remote control operates at 2460MHz - which should keep it safe from naughty reprobates who have a Flipper Zero. But I doubt it offers any significant protection against a determined hacker. If you have multiple loos, is possible to set the remote to a different ID to prevent accidental interference.

The main protection seems to be the buttock detection software. Using a small camera presence sensor, the bidet refuses to operate until you have wedged yourself on the throne.

The pump and heater aren't overly powerful, so I'm not too worried about a hacker blasting a jet of boiling hot water up where the sun don't shine.

Downsides

There are a few minor annoyances. The pump is a little on the noisy side. It is quieter than a flush, but the whirring is noticeable.

The plumbing is somewhat complicated. Our bathroom fitter said it wasn't the neatest design to fit. The water hose juts out a little from the side, as does the power cable. They then wrap behind the unit.

It does feel a little narrower than other loos I've used. But it is plenty big enough for me.

Verdict

I can't find anything online about the "Purificare" brand. I suspect this is a white-label product; there seem to be several similar variants around. So I've no idea how reliable they are.

I wasn't expecting miracles for £300 - but I'm pretty impressed! As a toilet, it does the job. It is solid and the flush is powerful enough for my vegetarian diet.

The bidet is delightful. I mean that sincerely! Having a pulsing jet of moderately warm water, washing away the shameful filth of your pitiful human body, is a sensory delight. My tush has never been cleaner and my toilet-paper bills are much reduced.

If, like me, you spend more time on the bog than is strictly necessary, this is a reasonably priced accessory and will make even the most urgent visit to the smallest room a relaxing and pleasant experience.