French Exchange Diary

This is a necropost - written in 1993 and recently found on an old backup disk. I spent two delightful weeks in France and, apparently, kept something of a diary. I was never good at introspection - so this mostly reflects what I actually did, rather than how I felt. I remember being shocked that the teachers wanted to see what we'd written - I thought I was amusing myself, but I got a bollocking for not taking the exercise seriously! The "humour" is the sort of childish nonsense that I've yet to grow out of and I can only apologise for it. I am properly amazed at just how much I actually recall some 30 years (!) later. I seem to have spent my time in France eating food and playing video games. I don't think I even tried to snog anyone! Poor 13-year-old me! I hope he'd be happy that I still spend a lot of time eating weird cuisine, traipsing around foreign museums, and fiddling with the vagueries of modern sanitation. I suspect he'd be somewhat disappointed that I play fewer video games than ever. NB, there are some weird formatting errors which got lost from the conversion from Word 2.0. C'est la vie!

DAY 1 / THE JOURNEY

Wake up: wonder what's on the telly. Oh yeah I'm going to France today!

Time to pack. Got to school with loads of kissing and cuddling. When will parents learn, eh? The coach journey was the usual type affair, games, songs, sweets, food etc. We got to the boat, oh la la la la.

C'est tres gigantic, c'est magnifique. C'est á neuf étages. J'ai fatigué. Pour le dejeuner j'ai un sandwich au fromage et crevette rose salad, Quavers et Ribena et Opal Fruits. Notre cabine tres petit.

We ran about harassing each other sexually or otherwise! We got to the other end and waited an hour for the coach. We met our families and went, never to return. Dinner was a baguette and a slice of ham. I was exausted from the journey and so went to bed.

Day 2

Woke up half a trillion times in the night with burning thirst, so drank tap water. Woke up 6:30, I need the toilet. Looked in my en suite, no toilet. Looked in the main bathroom, no toilet. Looked around generally, WHERE THE HELL IS THAT µ§µ§ TOILET?? Bumped into a cupboard door and lo and behold I was blessed with a toilet. After relieving my self I looked for the flush, what is it with France and toilets? The flush appeared to be a bobble on top! Breker was Kellogg's Miel Pops, hmmmnn, interesting. We decided to go to the zoo, and took what can only be described as the scenic route, yup we got lost. We got to the zoo and it rained, and it rained, and it rained. Nous regardons tigre, singe, chat et yak. C'est tres bien. J'usage ma Euro Disney Land Resort Hotel imperméable. C'est brilliant jaune. Je mange gautre au chocolate, bof.

We got home, not via the scenic route and played Streets of Rage for a couple of hours and then had a dinner of cold chicken (salmonella alert) and lettuce in a vinaigrette sauce. For afters I was asked if I liked compote, Viny demonstrated what it was by saying apple and getting a nuclear bazooka and blowing it up. It turned out to be a rather nice apple sauce. (N.B. Com=squashed apple, pote=pot?)

We went outside and, armed with rubber dart guns, played James Bond. No beautiful women to snog only Vincent, argh no quick where's the delete button?!

Day 3

Woke up (N.B. must stop saying woke up) Was informed that we were going to the grandparents' house. I started putting on my best togs, designer Italian shirts etc. However was told the house was in the country and there was lots of mud. So I changed into my jeans and T-shirt. As we came up the drive I thought in true Lloyd Grossman style "Now who would live in a house like this?" We walked in and the whole house seemed full of life forms on which taxidermy had been inflicted. We met his Gran, Granddad Aunt and Great Gran. Viny and I went to play ping pong, Vin is more addicted to this than I am to cocaine (where is that delete button) His gran came down, she is very lively and speaks good English. We had lunch which was chicken and mushroom pie followed by ( and is this a subtle hint or what? ) Roast beef and Greasy Joe chips, what true Englishman could resist? Pudding was rhubarb and strawberry stew yummy!

Vincent et moi jouer le James Bond, Mais Vincent possédants le Super Soaker 100, c'est formidable. Mais moi tres humidité! Alors moi, Vincent et il grand mere jouons "Monopoly", C'est difficile mais je ganger!

Got home and decked a triceratops on Chuck Rock.

Day 4

Today (see, no woke up, ha!) I worked out that we were going to school. Got to school and worked out where to meet Vin for lunch. In class we got the usual "How's it going?" type thing from the teachers. I can't remember what lunch was for a simple reason, I can't remember. We went to the Credit Agricole, it sponsors a lot of things, it was quite interesting. We then went to the horse place, it was very boring. We were all parched and so were told to walk back to town. Chris took me through a short cut and we arrived outside an Esso type shop where we bought 3 litres of liquid for 15F 90. Great.

Nous regardons mon amie et parlons "Mmmm de l'eau c'est tres bien!" Pour dinner nous mangons pommes de terre et Camembert.

Day 5

Wednesday, no school. Faced with yet more Miel Pops have decided to kill Mr Kelloggs. We went to the video room and played endless Streetfighter II.

Nous mangons Bernard Matthew poulet roti. Nous allons le Ping Pong club. C'est tres tres ennuyeux. J'observer beacoup jeu de ping pong. Nous procurons une plume et sweatband.

Ate the rest of the turkey and discovered I am useless at Thunderforce IV.

Day 6

Mr Kelloggs is dead, so I had Crackynuts not Miel Pops (yes!) Went to the Petit Versie and was bored stiff by old fart talking about something or other. (N.B. I am well stocked up on Calvados! Hic!) Lunch must have been nice because I wasn't sick, but oh what I wouldn't give for some dead My Little Pony, fried Kermit and live Brian the Snails! In the afternoon we did Histoire/geography, next gym. At first I thought we were in the wrong class, it was full of those funny Olympic bar things, and it was full of huge 16 year old, yoikes! Actually It was quite fun in the end. Got home with a ruptured abdomen and found out that Kid Chameleon is quite good.

Day 7.

I can sum up the Mount St. Michel in one word:-µ§!

We went to the villdeau, surprisingly seeing the copper works were quite interesting. Then we set off for the Mount St. Michel.

Nous jouons sur plage et mangons sandwich au jambon, sel chip, banan, et yaout. Nous marchons le humidité plage et de l'eau. C'est formidable. Je marche par le crab. Il fait beau et chaud.

We took a look round and we came to a locked door. I looked through the grate and saw an empty room, when suddenly the grate slammed shut, nervously I knocked on the door and it knocked back. Honest, no please, take the men in white coats away AAARRRGGGHHH!

Day 8

Saturday school.

Watched a video on the Bayeax tapestry and went on the town treasure hunt.

J'aquis le pain au chocolate c'est delicieux. Pour le dejeurner j'ai spaghetti c'est formidable. Et compote.

Went back to school for open day, very boring and then went to the pool, great. Went to the video room and got better at SFII. Dinner was sauté potatoes with ham, strawberries, cream and ice-cream.

Day 9

Got up, went to sleep. Got up, went to sleep. Got up, went to sleep. Got up, went to sleep. Lunch was roast lamb and ice-cream. We set off for the beach. La plage, tres bien. Il fait tres chaud. De l'eau est tres loin. Nous fondons le châteaux. c'est formidable. Nous grimpons le roc, je gange.

We also ate 2 pain au choc, a can of orangina and went home. Dinner was rice, ham, pork, gerkins and sweet corn, done like a pealla. I had an Ice-cream and watched Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, dubbed in French. Hmmmmmmmmnnnn!

Day 10

1999 Miel Pops have taken over the earth aaarrrggghhh! Went to the Bauyeux tapestry bought some cards and looked round the thing that explained the tapestry, before putting on the auto guides and looking round. Fascinating, Captain (reminisce of a Trekie) Lunch cold lamb School did diary.

Dinner c'est tres bien 3 crépés a frais confiture 3 crépés a sucre 3 crépés a beurre

After this wondrous meal I rushed off screaming "Ou est la bog, Ou est la bog, Ou est la bog, Ou est la flippin' bog"!!??!!

Day 11

To be or not to be that is the questioin, whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the sings and arrows of Miel Pops AAARRRGGGHHH School went to a farm to see cows urinate and pat; Hercules where are you?? We also saw a pig being artificially inseminated uuurrggg. We then had a ten mile slog to the to of the hill and luckily I had a bottle of water and, well, see day 4. Lunch was gammon steak and macaroni. School did an English lesson, well whoopieeee.

Dinner, bof, c'est carrotte et fromage, et compote. Nous regardons la film en anglais c'est tres bien. Et la film a Racket a Lycee.

Day 12

But soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the....... Miel pop aarrgghhh. Went to the video room and played on a Bugs Bunny pin table. Lunch, roast beef and potatoes. Apparently I slept through a giant thunderstorm. Went to swimming pool HUGE queue. But finally we got in and met the gang and wrestled.

Dinner c'est tres bein. C'est saussison et jambon pizza et compote.

As I am writing this there is a storm cutting the power.

Day 13

When shall we three meet again? erm hows about when something to do with Miel Pops are on the agenda, as that's how most of these quotes start!!

We went to the memorial. Chris was half an hour late for the bus. The memorial was sheer.......beauty. All the exhibits were a fascinating insight into the 2nd world war. It started with the pre-events, the Wall Street crash etc. Chris and I were miles behind the others but it didn't matter as we had ages. The next bit was quite scary as we were the only ones there, a great big dome with a giant projection or The Furher! The rest of the exhibits were about the posters, uniforms, bombing raids etc. It managed to show the war without glorifying it. My favourite bit was the film dominated by the Martin Luther King "I have seen the glory of the coming of the lord" speech. Lunch was gross, ham sandwiches, crisps and water. I managed to cadge some strawberry milk off Chris. We went to the sea museum, it was, how can I put it without mentioning something you might flush down the toilet? Ah ha:-µ§ We went to the American graves it was good, pity about the rain.

Dinner, tres bien, poulet roti et salad et, oui oui (not in my taxi you don't)! compote

Day 14

Benadicti, what early tongue so sweet awakenth me? (you guessed it) Miel Pops. Oh well only one more day and then I'm back in Blighty! Did Jim and then did gym(?), played a game of basketball however the French play it like rugby, but without the jockstrap. Did German, oh if Mrs Everington could see me now blissfully unaware of all the German I've never learnt. Lunch was beef and macaroni. Did English, interesting. And science, boring.

Dinner, c'est tres bien. Crêpe avec sucré x7 . Mmmm C'est formidable.

Day 15

Wonder what's happening today. Oh yeah, I'm going home (déjà vu or what?)! I feel good der ner ner ner ner ner I knew that I would der ner . Oh sorry! Started to pack. We went to the market, most excellent. It could put any English market to shame! In the food section there were millions of stalls filled with cheeses, others had poultry, I even saw a rabbit being skinned! But the best, and when I say the best I mean the best, was the seafood stall loads of live crabs and stuff and the fruit stalls had every different fruit and there were puppies for sale, I even bought a kinetic structure. The hot-dogs tasted great. I got 7 red roses for about £3. It was F.A.B!

Dejurner, bof de la viande et macaroni. Et compote.

Finished packing. Got to the bus, I was quite sad. For about 3 minuets, then I got down to enjoying the journey. The crossing was a bit rough but we made it. Got to my long missed house and sat up until three am telling my Mum and Dad about my trip.

And what have I learnt? Well............. Regrets, I've had a few, but then again to few to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption............ I did it my way.

Adieu, adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow that I might say good-bye 'til it be morrow.