It's 2024. Why are you still scraping your arsehole with paper like some kind of 20th century throwback? A decade ago, I got a cheap bidet attachment. It wasn't great. The water was cold, the fittings leaked, and the plastic was creaky.

For our recent bathroom renovation, I decided that I wanted to get a proper Japanese style toilet with integrated bidet and all the technology I could find.

That didn't quite pan out. You can pay literally thousands of pounds for a "smart" toilet. And if you want the seat separately, that can cost several hundred quid as well. As much as I value my posterior, I didn't fancy paying through it!

But, with diligent research, I found one for £300 - that included the toilet, cistern, and smart seat.

It has blinkenlights!

What it does

Oh! A whole bunch! It offers rear and front wash - with an adjustable angle. It warms the water to your preferred temperature. While it is washing, it can oscillate and massage. And the whole thing can be controlled by a couple of built-in buttons, or a relatively simple remote control.

There's also a little hatch for putting in some limescale remover, and a drain hole if you need to empty the bidet's tank - so should be pretty good for maintenance.

The remote has a magnetic holster which can be stuck to a nearby surface.

Oh, and there's a handy night-light.

What it doesn't

At this price, there are limits to the technology. The seat isn't heated. The toilet lid doesn't automatically open or close. It doesn't play a little tune while you're going about your business. There's no air-dryer to remove excess water from your botty. No UV light sterilisation. The flush is manual - although it is dual control. It won't spray perfume into the water after a particularly troublesome dump.

Although there's a remote, the number of buttons build in to the seat are limited - front, back, and stop.

And, crucially, there's no Internet or Bluetooth connectivity.

Look, I know you think I'm stupid. But I would have like to control it from my phone. I'm going to be taking it in there with me anyway, so why can't I open an app to load my water temperature preferences?

The tech

The remote control operates at 2460MHz - which should keep it safe from naughty reprobates who have a Flipper Zero. But I doubt it offers any significant protection against a determined hacker. If you have multiple loos, is possible to set the remote to a different ID to prevent accidental interference.

The main protection seems to be the buttock detection software. Using a small camera presence sensor, the bidet refuses to operate until you have wedged yourself on the throne.

The pump and heater aren't overly powerful, so I'm not too worried about a hacker blasting a jet of boiling hot water up where the sun don't shine.

Downsides

There are a few minor annoyances. The pump is a little on the noisy side. It is quieter than a flush, but the whirring is noticeable.

The plumbing is somewhat complicated. Our bathroom fitter said it wasn't the neatest design to fit. The water hose juts out a little from the side, as does the power cable. They then wrap behind the unit.

It does feel a little narrower than other loos I've used. But it is plenty big enough for me.

Verdict

I can't find anything online about the "Purificare" brand. I suspect this is a white-label product; there seem to be several similar variants around. So I've no idea how reliable they are.

I wasn't expecting miracles for £300 - but I'm pretty impressed! As a toilet, it does the job. It is solid and the flush is powerful enough for my vegetarian diet.

The bidet is delightful. I mean that sincerely! Having a pulsing jet of moderately warm water, washing away the shameful filth of your pitiful human body, is a sensory delight. My tush has never been cleaner and my toilet-paper bills are much reduced.

If, like me, you spend more time on the bog than is strictly necessary, this is a reasonably priced accessory and will make even the most urgent visit to the smallest room a relaxing and pleasant experience.

It's well known that we Brits love our separate hot and cold taps - but I'd never seen anything like this before! Why are the taps so far away from the spigot?

This is the Principle of Proximity.

One of the oldest principles of human-computer interaction is that things that are close together on the screen are seen as related. (Similarly, users view as related those things that are the same color or shape, that move or change together, or that reside within an enclosure, such as a box.)

Closeness of Actions and Objects in GUI Design

It applies to websites and sinks!

It's hard wandering around seeing the mistakes which are made by designers. Perhaps it's poor keming on fonts, or a hotel room light switch which makes no sense, or - in my case - bogs.

Lots of toilets incorporate a "dual flush." Press one button to unleash a deluge sufficient to sink all but the hardiest of bowel-movements, press a different button to release a trickle designed to gently dilute the user's micturations.

I've often visited lavatories where I was unsure of which button to press - but I think this is the first time I found a toilet which blocked its own buttons!

The only way to access the buttons is to manhandle the toilet seat, or attempt to curve your fingers as to avoid touching the filthy thing.

But wait! There's more! As all Usability Experts™ know - a sign is an admission that you've failed to create something intuitive. Let's take a closer look.

It would appear that there really is no need for two buttons. Neither works by itself - the only way to flush is to simultaneously depress both. Not quite practical with one hand.

Here's how a sensible loo would work.

• Finish the shameful business in hand.
• Rotate body.
• Use finger of one hand to depress button.

Here's how this crapper works.

• Contemplate what it's like cleaning peanut butter out of a thick pile carpet.
• Rotate body.
• Read sign.
• Close lid.
• Use both hands to activate dual button flushing system.

What a palaver, eh? Nul points!

I've long been intrigued by the central premise of the "Design of Everyday Things" that the basic interactions with normal objects - from teapots to motor vehicles - leaves a lot to be desired. It's something which is also picked up on in Edward de Bono's book "Simplicity.

So, I was in a toilet when I happened upon this stunning piece of [un]usability. (Please ignore the fact that I take my phone everywhere and see nothing wrong with taking photos in toilets...)

Wonder how Don Norman's toilet paper algorithm works in this

Here's what the intent of this object is:

• Let's create a toilet roll holder where it is easy to remove the used up roll.
• Let's create a toilet roll holder which can carry two rolls; so one is never caught short.

In both these aims, the object fails spectacularly. To quote from Don Norman, there are three ways of working with two rolls of paper...

Algorithm Large: Always take paper from the largest roll.

Algorithm Small: Always take paper from the smallest roll.

Algorithm Random: Don't think -- select the roll randomly

Of course, if one always takes from the large you run in to problem; the large one becomes the small one.

This is no good - it means both rolls run out at roughly the same time. This could lead to an unfortunate situation where there simple isn't enough paper to complete one's workings.

Most people realise this and, being keen to keep some paper in reserve, will take from the smaller roll.

Now we have a completely different problem.

1. The left hand roll is depleted first. The roll is replaced. The right hand roll never gets used.
2. The right hand roll is depleted first. When it comes to removal, the left hand roll has to be removed before the empty roll can be removed and replaced.

Unacceptable and inefficient. The best case scenario is that the left hand roll is used up, the right removed, a fresh one put on then the original right hand one is replaced as the new left hand roll and the cycle continues again.

Much simpler to use something like this.

Or, of course, you can rip off the empty roll.