Angels and Daemons

A few weeks ago, I was clearing out some ancient backup CDs and floppy disks from my attic when I made a curious discovery. Pressed between a copy of Windows ME and a box-fresh copy of the original Duke Nukem Forever, I found a scratched and decaying Compact Flash cart. It was sticky and oozing a rusty looking fluid. The writing on the label looked like my handwriting, but was illegible.

I ordered a cable from some Shenzen manufacturer and, after much faffing about with drivers, I managed to mount it on Linux. I was able to drag a single text file off it before it combusted. Grim smoke filled the air, choking me but not setting off the smoke alarm. As it cleared, I was able to read the contents of the file. It said…

So you've decided to summon a demon using your computer!

This is a unique opportunity for you to achieve everything you've ever dreamed of. Once you have eternally bound Trumpet Winsock to your immortal soul, you will be able to make dark requests over the Internet to the demonic plane.

Rather than the normal POST, GET, DELETE, etc, you will have to use new HTTP verbs such as SUMMON, INVOKE, and SACRIFICE. A full list of verbs can be found in the annex of the Codex Malifixant.

Once you have sent a request, you will receive an HTTP code in return. In order not to conflict with existing codes (200, 404, 550, etc) the Infernal Execution Task Force have reserved the 6XX range exclusively for demonic use. The Devil does not agree with Postel's Law - so we kindly suggest that you study these codes carefully lest you are damned for all eternity.

HTTP 600 - Accepted

Your ritual or summoning was accepted! The Demonic realm has acknowledged that your incantation was syntactically correct, the appropriate amount of sacrificial blood had been spilled, or the stars were in alignment. Congratulations! You've just taken your first step into a world of pain and power. Perhaps your heart beats faster and your brow becomes spiked with sweat? This feeling of dread will not soon pass.

NOTE: This does not mean that a demon will be immediately returned. The timeout length varies between the mundane and demonic planes. Although the realm should respond within an appropriate timeframe, it has been known for there to be up to multi-year long delays. Nevertheless, a 600 response indicates that the request was successful and will be fulfilled in time.

No further action is required at this time. Although you may wish to gird your loins.

HTTP 601 - Forbidden

WARNING! You are expressly forbidden from making this request.

The normal cause of a 601 rejection is a failure to have completed all the prerequisites of the request. No matter how obscure or esoteric they appear to be, it is vitally important that you do not skip any steps or substitute any items. This request is usually caused by counterfeit items - so be sure to check that your eye-of-newt is from a trusted and organic source.

Repeatedly making a request that is forbidden may have unforeseen and terrible consequences. Do not attempt the request again until you are prepared to stake your life on having completed all the necessary arrangements.

Some incantations can take months. An error early on will not be revealed until the end of the spell. The 601 error is usually returned quickly as it is customary to have it seared into the flesh of the supplicant. Do not cry out for help; it will not be heard.

HTTP 603 - Payment is required

Requests come at a price. Usually a terrible price. Ensure that you have the mental and physical fortitude before making your request. While some minor demons only require a handful of copper coins, others may require silver, gold, or Non-Fungible DevilTokens.

While some requests can be made with a payment plan, we strongly recommend that you have the cash up-front.

Ensure you have this payment available before you make the request. At this time, American Express is not accepted. We regret the inconvenience.

HTTP 618 - The demon is a teapot!

This started out as a Festus Fatuorum joke a few millennia ago but has rather gotten out of hand! Almost every ritual, sacrifice, summoning, or demonic request made on the 1st of April will inevitably return a teapot. They are usually small and made of high quality china. Willow pattern is customary - but do not stare into the pattern too deeply lest you find yourself bewitched.

As a friendly warning, the tea is usually Lapsang Souchong and is perfectly drinkable - although it is served stone cold. We believe this to be what passes for humour in the underworld.

HTTP 622 - Unpronounceable Entity

You have made your request in a living tongue, but the entity can only be mentioned in a dead language. This usually occurs if you are using a demonicon which has not been standardised. Some demons and sprites are old-fashioned and will refuse to deal with humans who cannot pronounce their name in its original tongue.

Some of the ancients have names which are simply not compatible with standard human flesh. You may wish to enquire about having your tongue forked or your larynx rearranged in order to better make the necessary vocalisations.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to learn how to pronounce demonic names using DuoLingo.

HTTP 651 - Unavailable for Legal Reasons

Look, this is complicated, OK. If you're reading this, you probably already have a fairly good understanding of daemonology. What you may not be aware of is the complex interrelationship between the judicial and spiritual realms. Over the centuries, a number of laws have been passed - on both sides of the veil - which limit what is acceptable practice.

However, because laws are ancient and the minds of men are fragile, not all of this legislation is available to us. Some parts are simply missing from our knowledge. Other parts burn when they are entered into a library.

If you receive this HTTP response, it is your responsibility to contact either an administrator or a priest and explain the exact ritual you were attempting. There is no civil penalty for attempting a forbidden ritual but you may face defenestration if you fail to report a new 651 exception.

HTTP 666 - 👿

Congratulations! You have summoned Satan himself! We don't actually know how this response code works as all the technical manuals were bound in human-leather and thrown into a bog sometime in the 14th century.

We expect that anyone who receives this response will know what to do when the Dark Lord arises.

Appendix

If you have read this far, then you are braver than most.

This .txt file has been passed between servers for decades, but it is normally deleted by antivirus software as soon as it is detected. We also suspect that the various religions around the world are surreptitiously blessing most hard-drives, which inevitably results in this file's corruption. A blood sacrifice on the sharpened edges of a MacBook is usually enough to keep the file from spontaneously combusting. We recommend about a litre per day, spilled in the shape of an inverted pentagram, in order to ensure that the information isn't lost.

Summoning was easier back in the day. The ethereal glow of a green terminal lent an otherworldly air to proceedings. Backlit screens and OLEDs just don't have the right atmosphere. The smell of static emanating from all those CRTs was helpful in trapping a demon, as was the screaming of dot-matrix printers (it reminded them of the squeals of tortured souls in the underworld).

The modern professional summoner has to use different methods. While deleting your entire MP3 collection may not seem like much, it's the sort of sacrifice demons are willing to accept. Just as long as you also burn the back-up CDs.

If you have any DVDs which were never released on streaming services, Beelzebub is very keen to accept these as tribute. The more obscure the better.

You are probably wondering what that sobbing sound is. Sadly, as you've already begun down this dark path, your immortal soul is torn. It weeps for you. Never mind! Souls are relatively cheap and you can always find a TikTok wannabe who is prepared to exchange their pristine soul for a shot at fame. It won't stop the gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach, but it will allow you access to even greater powers.

There will be, at times, a knocking at your door around midnight. It is essential that you do not answer it. Tell other members of your household to keep away from the door. Restrain them if possible and consider sedation if necessary. Do not open the door. No matter whose voice you hear. Ignore their empty promises or cries for help.

With all that said, there is a lot of fun! Fun! Fun! To be had when summoning. Ever wanted to play the banjo better than your heroes? Well now you can! Want those pesky lawsuits to get mired in endless delays? Done! Perhaps you'd like to run for office but think your past history of criminal behaviour is a barrier to voters? Not any more!

It is worth bearing in mind that the more you sacrifice, the more you will accomplish. Study the daemonology carefully, choose a familiar who is trustworthy, and never lose sight of your goals.

Remember, these rituals are provided "As is", without warranty of any kind, exorcist or implied, including but not limited to the wailings of malevolence, fitness for a particular abominable purpose, title and non-infringement. In no event shall the late and lamented souls or anyone disturbing the aether with the software be liable for any demonic spawn or other liability, whether in blood-soaked contract, torture or otherwise, arising from, out of or in connection with the screams of the damned or the use or other dealings in the summoning.

Thanks for reading

I'd love your feedback on this story. Did you like the style of writing? Was the plot interesting? Did you guess the twist? Please stick a note in the comments to motivate me 😃

Hungry for more? You can read:

• 2024's "Revenge Of The Mutant Algorithms"
• 2023's "Tales of the Algorithm"