Dear Technology World - Please Stop Trying To Give Me An Erection

Having sex is pretty good fun, isn't it? I enjoy it. I dare say you enjoy it. But, tell me, is it really appropriate for me to associate your products with having an erect penis?

You see, being a heterosexual male, I'm biologically predisposed to be sexually stimulated by images and videos of women in various states of undress. When I'm sexually stimulated my penis has this tendency to experience a rush of blood, which makes the spongy tissues expand until the whole organ is fairly rigid. I have to say, it's awfully nice. Yes, it's nice to have an erection.

That's why, I assume, your demo videos are filled with nubile young women, your booth-babes are busty, and your hackathons come with beer dispensing wenches as a "perk".

An honest question - next time I'm confronted with one of your sexist selling attempts, do you want me to fling down my tousers and start beating one off?

No? But, you keep trying to give me an erection - I thought my priapic member was what you wanted. Why else treat women as mere sex objects?

If you're one of the tech companies who are trying to co-opt my schlong, I want you to take a long hard look at what you're trying to do.

When I'm at a technology show like MWC, or researching which API to use, I'm in "work mode". Having an erection is an unnecessary distraction. It doesn't make me feel professional. If nothing else, it's hard to think with eight-times the normal amount of blood swilling round my phallus.

I want to work - I don't want to be arroused. And - let's face it - if I did want to be aroused, they have porn on the Internet now! I can go off to Alta Vista, type in "boobies" and get me some high-quality, women demeaning, surround sound erotica. I don't need to glimpse half a centimetre of your model's left buttock - I can see all of a lady's naked behind without your glowing logo superimposed over it.

And stop demeaning me! Just because I'm a geek- it doesn't mean I'm a long haired, spotty nerd, who spends every hour coding and is thus unlikely to meet a girl - let alone woo her.

As it happens, I am that long haired, spotty nerd and I've been happily married for nearly five years.

I know... I know... It's "ironic". You just love women! It's all just "banter". We're all friends. It's just, you know, a bit of a laugh.

Guess what? It's really difficult to tell the difference between an ironic erection and the real deal.

Oh, and while we're at it, stop being so hetero-normative. There are plenty of gay geeks. Now, I may not know an awful lot about what turns on homosexual men - but I've got a sneaking suspicious it isn't silicone enhanced breasts, high heels, and a bikini. I suppose what I'm saying is - if you have to resort to sex to sell your stuff - throw some beefcake in there for the guys and girls who like that sort of thing too. In fact, if you're a male CEO - how about we see you strut your stuff covered with baby-oil and dressed simply in a diamanté thong? After all, it's not demeaning, is it?

That's not really the corporate image you want, I suppose.

If your product can't stand proud independently - don't get my cock to do the heavy lifting for you.

Three attractive women standing in front of a Nokia N-Gage sign

9 thoughts on “Dear Technology World - Please Stop Trying To Give Me An Erection

  1. says:

    Decreased bloodflow to the brain probably increases the chances you'll buy into their sh*tty model.

    Thanks for this article, it made me smile :).

  2. says:

    I'm not sure it's fair to address this to tech in general. That been said, there have definitely been a few bad eggs recently, and there is a growing trend among marketers to play on sex for tech products and services. But hey, that tactic works for every other market, so I guess it was only a matter of time.

    In my own experience, sexism in tech isn't really a huge issue internally.

    And just confront the gender gap before it gets pointed out — I think it exists because of the world's general notions of what a programmers are: bros

  3. says:

    Oh, and while we’re at it, stop being so hetero-normative. There are plenty of gay geeks.

    Good article, but stop being so male-centered. There are a lot of female and other gender geeks with various sexual interests, too. 😉

  4. [...] After all the fuss Labour made about the Health & Social Care Act supposedly bringing in all sorts of charges (it doesn’t) and screaming that the LiberaTor coalition are destroying the NHS, Labour in Manchester are trying to bring in charges for A&E visits. Luckily, the Health & Social Care Act that supposedly destroyed the NHS (it went into force a little while ago – note the totally undestroyed NHS) makes that illegal, though that doesn’t seem to be stopping Labour from trying. But then, the Labour party were never very big on the rule of law… Terence Eden wants tech companies to stop trying to give him an erection. [...]

  5. m0r1arty says:

    They've been at it for a decent while now, 20 years or so. I've always chosen my magazines of preference by their covers. If there is a girl in heels bent over the latest graphics card I go for the magazine which shows how it renders instead. New processor fan? I'll take the information which doesn't have siliconised lips pouting a perversely pious puff.

    I think they just don't know their market and no-one has corrected them. Whilst I'd happily "Fus Do Rah!" through the entire blogosphere if Eugenia Diordiychuk or Faye Reagan endorsed something tech - they are from tech. Their sexual prowess has sparked the internet from the inside out. It would be a gimmick, a one-off. Whereas someone like Amanda Congdon burns empowered sexually attractive woman who has brains and would probably wipe the floor with most hetero males at thinking games.

    Perhaps if they knew that tech consumers (Real ones, not Apple fans) actually thought about the products they purchase they'd focus on that important aspect and leave the models and their prancing stances for the hoi polloi which will receive them better.

    Nice to hear someone pipe up about it, cheers Terence!

  6. Kris Rudin says:

    Thanks for posting this! It made me laugh, and it made a VERY good point!

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