At one point, Captain Edrison Peavey Edward Elizabeth Hitler pulls out a newspaper to read.

It may surprise you to know that the "Hammersmith Bugle" is not a real paper and they never ran a headline "No News Shocker". At which point, it is time to rip off Dirty Feed's shtick and find out what that paper really is.

Sadly, Bottom has been cruelly denied a 4K remaster by the philistine bastards at the BBC, so you'll have to make do with potato-quality images from a DVD. Here's a lovely shot of the back of the paper.

Alas, "Cup Tie Chaos" isn't a particularly unique headline. As the paper flicks open there's a photo of what looks like a famous shot from Pulp Fiction.

Pulp Fiction was released in the UK in October 1994. So, again, not especially helpful except to narrow down the publication date of the paper.

As the paper flaps open again, we glimpse the sports pages.

Although something about a "enjoying a finish" doesn't help much, with a bit of "ZOOM! ENHANCE! ROTATE!" we can see the headline "Seesaw Swans hit back". A much more likely candidate for finding a unique hit!

And, indeed, a trawl of the British Newspaper Archive (courtesy of the Wikipedia Library) reveals that exact headline!

That's from the Surrey Herald, published on the 3rd of November 1994. About 9 weeks before transmission.

The other pages in the paper can be matched with their on-screen appearance.

There's also this very hard to spot headline about how "Wartime tales inspired poet":

Which can be exactly matched to page 8 of the Surrey Herald.

Case closed! Let's go home and get off with some smashing birds.

Hold The Front Page

But, that's not quite the whole story.

Let's compare the front page of the Hammersmith Bugle with that of the Surrey Herald on the 3rd of November 1994.

Ah.

The good news is that the advert for a mobile phone in the top left corner looks the same, as does the golf equipment advert in the bottom right.

The bad news is that the main photo is not the same. In Bottom, it appears to be two people reading a book or magazine. The headlines and surrounding columns all appear to be different.

You can just about see through the front page onto page 2 - there's a logo near the top, a headline just under it, and a face bottom centre. Whereas the Surrey Herald's page 2 looks nothing like that.

Fuck, shit, bollocks, pissflaps, and arse!

It doesn't look like any of the Surrey Herald's front pages from around that time.

If we go back to the "Seesaw Swans" snap, we can see a bit more of the inside of the front page.

That actually looks like the Stork Margarine logo they were discussing!

If we flip the semi-translucent shot, it becomes a bit clearer.

It says "STORK MARGARINE". Here it is highlighted in Super HD.

Was that mocked up for the show or just a happy coincidence? I think it is a mock up because, if you look a little further down, you'll see:

That's the name of the invisible character Slip Digby who won the competition.

There's a brief shot of the full page where the logo is slightly more visible:

Followed by a frame where you can see more of the page:

If you look towards the bottom of the paper, you'll see a headline about "Heady Sixties" and a small black box in the corner.

Which, I think can be traced back to page four of the paper:

I think the props team have taken the top half of the page and moved it down to the bottom - then added in the Stork Margarine content to the top.

But that still doesn't explain how and why the front page is so different.

Another search for the "Heady Sixties" headline brings back the Staines & Ashford News of the same date. Exactly the same page layout for that and a few more pages as the Surrey Herald, but the rest is substantially different. Similarly, the Sunbury & Shepperton Herald of the same day shares some pages, but the front page is completely different. It can also be found in the Staines & Egham News.

Without a clearer photo of the front page, it is impossible to search for any of the headlines on it.

Now, when I earlier castigated the BBC for not remastering the series, that was a bit of a clever lie. There's a 1080p version on the official BBC Comedy Greats YouTube channel.

That allows us to get the highest possible quality shot of the front page.

Through the paper you can just about see the face from page 4 and the "Heady Sixties" headline next to it.

On the front page, I think the two headlines I can make out are:

Elsie is 100 years young

and

FA Cup tie mix up angers Walton boss

I can see that Walton played Swansea City (and lost) on the 21st of November - and the "mix up" is referred to later in the paper under "Cup tie chaos" - but that specific headline is missing from the archives. Dear old Elsie is also absent.

And there, I must confess, I hit a brick wall. I looked through all the front-pages of Surrey papers in October and November 1994 - but there was nothing. Given that Bottom was filmed in Television Centre, I went through hundreds of front pages of London papers without success. I listened to the Talking Bottom podcast for the episode. I even looked through the VHS-only release of Bottom Fluff to see if the newspaper featured in any of the out-takes. Sadly not.

My working assumption is, in order of most to least likely:

• An earlier or later edition of the Surrey Herald was used, and that hasn't been archived.
• One of the Herald's sister papers was used, and is missing from the archive.
• The props team did a completely new front page using stock photos and lorem ipsum.

I was so hoping I could have closed this post with "BOTTOM STAINES!!!". But, alas…

Last year I compared the English episodes to their German counterparts. Only one episode was unique to the UK version - the rest were more-or-less faithful remakes.

What about the new series 3?

S03E01 The Reunion / S05E05 Freunde

This has the same basic plot - although the German crime scene is a stabbing rather than a falling piano. The Cleaner can't come to terms with the fact that an old school-friend has become wildly successful.

The German Cleaner is a lot more bitter - and a good deal funnier - about the friend stealing from him years ago.

S03E02 The Baby / S06E02 Özgür

In truth, there's only a fleeting similarity to the German version. A single woman in a guest house, her waters break while The Cleaner is around, and he has to deal with his lingering sadness of not being a father.

Der Tatortreiniger has a fairly hefty dollop of racism. The British version has a randy gardener. It's like they mopped up the challenging bits of the plot and replaced them with innuendo.

S03E03 The Committee

A totally original episode! Even better, this one stars my mum!

S03E04 The Lighthouse, S03E05 The Housekeeper, S03E06 The Wedding

All of these are original! The Lighthouse and The Housekeeper are almost as surreal as some of the German episodes. Having a single actor play multiple characters is genius! It's the sort of thing which should have been in the original, but wasn't.

While it is nice to see some original takes on the premise, it's a pity some of the more fanciful episodes haven't been recreated for a wider audience. Sadly, the DVDs of Tatortreiniger are all in German but have no English subtitles. You'll need to find a streaming service which has translations if your German isn't up to scratch. There are some utterly beautiful moments in the original.

Tschüß!

This upset some fans.

The thing about widescreen is that it chops off the top and bottom of the picture. The top of Hawkeye's head? Gone! The bottom of Hot-Lips' boots? Vanished! אױ װײ איז מיר

But, there is an upside. Or should that be side-side? Anyway, the new remaster adds some previous unseen detail to the left and right of the picture.

Here's a grab from the original:

And here's the remastered wide version:

Perhaps an animated GIF will help?

As you can see, the remaster has great picture quality and bonus content at the sides. However, you might also be able to notice that the widescreen image has been stretched a fair bit. By my calculation it was originally a 1.72 aspect ratio before been distorted to 1.777.

This GIF makes it a bit more obvious what has been stretched and how the image has moved from the centre:

So, is it possible to take the sides of the widescreen version and stitch them on to the edges of the 4:3 version? Yes!

With a bit of ffmpeg magic, I scaled the 16:9 version back to its original ratio, then I added some black padding around it, then I overlaid the 4:3 on top - giving it some transparency so you can see how well it fits.

The (frankly overwhelming) command is:

ffmpeg -i wide.mp4 -i orig.mp4 \
   -filter_complex \
   "[0]scale=670:390,setsar=1,pad=670:480:(ow-iw)/2:(oh-ih)/2:black,setpts=PTS-0.375/TB[v0];[1]scale=640:480,setsar=1,format=rgba,colorchannelmixer=aa=0.5[fg];[v0][fg]overlay=(W-w)/2:(H-h)/2[vid];[0:a][1:a]amerge=inputs=2[aout]" \
   -map "[vid]" -map "[aout]" -c:v copy -c:a aac -strict experimental -b:a 192k copy output.mp4

That also shifts the first video by a couple of frames due to the files being slightly out of synch. I've also kept both soundtracks, for your discordant joy.

Here it is - the intro to M*A*S*H with extra side bits:

As you can see, they adjusted the font size of the main titles. As the video progresses, you'll notice the vertical offset changes - I don't know how much manual adjustment was made. The videos shift in and out of synchronisation - I assume the original was transferred from film to tape in a less precise process than the remaster.

ToDo

• Get AI to fill in the missing corners?
• Get AI to continually correct the placement of the video?
• Get AI to add a laugh track?

It is fantastisch! It veers between farce, satire, and slapstick effortlessly. Just the right amount of witty and grotesque. I thoroughly enjoyed having my schoolboy German lessons flung back in my face as I creased with laughter.

But what is really delightful, is noticing how the UK remake is similar to (and where it differs from) the original. The opening credits are largely identical - down to the Hula Girl. Schotty is a smoker while Wicky is a vaper. Schotty has a cool catchphrase "my work begins where others pass in horror" - whereas Wicky... well, he's just funnier.

Schotty - the German cleaner - is much less likeable than Greg Davies's Wicky. In the very first episode of Tatortreiniger, Schotty propositions a prostitute for oral sex in the middle of a crime scene. You don't get that on the BBC! Nor do you get Wicky reading a porn mag, being emotionally blackmailed into a visa-scam marriage, and being a bit sleazy.

The UK version has recognisable guest stars - Helena Bonham-Carter, David Mitchell, Asim Chaudhry - perhaps the German guest stars are equally big at home and I am just uncultured?

Either way, both series are great and act as a mirror to what different audiences find interesting, amusing, and offensive.

Here's a quick rundown of the differences - some a quite dramatic and other relatively subtle. (Spoilers ahead!)

S01E01 The Widow / S02E01 Über den Wolken

The Cleaner is taken hostage by a murder who returns to the scene of the crime!

The main difference in the UK version is having the murderer be a woman. Does that make the murderer more sympathetic? Probably not, but it shifts the tone considerably.

Wicky is unambiguously the good-guy here; tipping off the police. Whereas Schotty is, as always, a more morally flexible character.

S01E02 The Writer / S01E02 Spuren

The Cleaner is working next-door to a novelist.

Almost a shot-for-shot remake! Interesting to see how the actors attack the slapstick elements of the plot. To my mind the German one is funnier - but it's a close call.

S01E03 The Neighbour / S03E01 Fleischfresser

Wicky / Schotty has an embarrassing encounter with a vegan woman who uses a wheelchair.

This is a tough one. Greg Davies is simply funnier as someone always putting his foot in his mouth. But the German version is brutal in how the rest of the characters treat the disabled woman. The heartbreaking cruelty is what elevates the subsequent comedy. The UK version also undermines the character by turning her into a hypocrite.

S01E04 The Aristocrat / S01E03 Nicht über mein Sofa

An old woman over-reacts to someone damaging her sofa.

Again, this is close to a shot-for-shot remake. Very little about the plot has changed - except for the very end. The UK version introduces a lovely Chekhov's gun with, of all things, a block of lard!

Wicky is much closer to Schotty's character in this episode. You can really see him struggling over whether to accept the bribe - something fairly out of character for him, but totally in keeping with Schotty.

(As an aside, the credits for the UK episode indicate that there was a substantial reshoot. I wonder what for? Perhaps this was shot as a pilot? One for DirtyFeed to cover in a few decades.)

S01E05 The Influencer / S02E02 Die Challenge

A social media influencer wants The Cleaner to "put the blood back" so they can grieve on-screen.

This is the first UK one which has been totally rewritten. In the German version, Schotty has to contend with a faded reality-TV star desperate to promote her album. She's a tragic figure hoping for one last roll of the dice - but Schotty is much more interesting to the TV crew.

The UK version has a YouTube/Twitch/TikTok star as the main character. Wicky becomes a paternal figure - trying to help a young man find his place in the world. That has echoes of Angehörige in which Schotty reveals his longing to be a father - something the UK version tackles again in S01E06 The One.

As ever, the UK version is much sillier. But, for once, is equally tragic. Both show the pernicious influence of fame and how it drives people to become monsters.

S01E06 The One / S03E02 Schweine

Wicky / Schotty runs into an old lover. Only to discover she's now married with kids. But - shock horror - her husband has been unfaithful to her.

The sex in the German one is much more explicit (and a good deal funnier) than the UK version. But the UK version delves much deeper into Wicky's backstory. We get to see what a pathetic figure he is/was. Schotty, by contrast, was clearly a prat as a young man - but a well-meaning one. Both cleaners have unresolved issues about being a father. The UK one really amps up the tragedy of Wicky's loneliness - and gives us flashbacks to the characters when they were younger. The German version makes do with exposition.

So the entire first season consists of remakes. The second season is a bit more original.

S02E00 A Clean Christmas / S05E03 Pfirsichmelba

The Cleaner's attempts to clean an ice-cream parlour are interrupted by an autistic young man who wants his regular peach melba.

Literally the only difference between the two plots is that Schotty's freezer is broken and so is slowly cooking him to death, whereas Wicky's freezer is - well - freezing.

Both cleaners have sisters, both have unresolved father issues, both get increasingly irate at Robert Kündrick's / Kendrick's autistic behaviour, and both write him a letter. Even the freezers look the same!

The UK one softens the final blow with a weirdly tacked on coda about Wicky taking Robert home to meet his parents. It sometimes feels like some of the extra scenes are just there to slightly differentiate it from the original.

S02E01 The Transaction / S04E05 Tauschgeschäfte

The Cleaner finds a stash of money while working in a bar.

Another word-for-word remake. Even the scary barman has the same name - Cuddle!

The differences seem mostly superficial - Wicky finds the cash under a pool table whereas Schotty finds it taped to a pinball machine. The UK version adds a bit of a pointless love-triangle and a bit more slapstick, but that's about it.

S02E02 The Clown / S06E03 Schluss mit lustig

The Cleaner meets an unfunny clown playing to an audience of one.

This is the last episode of S06 of Tatortreiniger - and it ends with Schotty (perhaps) deciding to move on from being a cleaner. The UK version gives the clown a more tragic backstory, and a celebrity cameo, but is otherwise identical. The resolution of the German version is, to my mind, superior. Having a dog as Chekov's Gun is inspired.

S02E03 The Night Shift / S04E03 Damit muss man rechnen

While cleaning a bloodbath in an electronics shop, The Cleaner meets a man prepared for the end of the world.

The stories are basically identical - although the UK version introduces a strange B-plot about a corrupt store manager, which feels a little unnecessary. The German version feels a little sadder and isn't quite so over the top.

The UK version goes intertextual by showing a clip of Über den Wolken on one of the TVs which, due to having been shot, can only display German programmes.

S02E04 The Shaman / S02E05 Auftrag aus dem Jenseits

A new-age Shaman helps The Cleaner by performing a spiritual cleanse of a property.

The UK one takes the comedy much further than the German version. The UK's Shaman is an obvious scam artist and the "Keyser Söze" reveal is done splendidly. The final shot of him riding off in an expensive car is an excellent end compared to Schotty waving off a guy on a bike.

That said, we do get to see a bit more of Schotty's cruelty - encouraging a classmate to use superglue to stop him wetting himself would have perhaps been a step too far for Wicky.

S02E05 The Statue

This is the only original episode! And yet it is easy to see the inspiration from other German episodes. The animal blood is from S05E04's Anbieterwechsel. The petty bureaucracy is littered over the German series. The tension over racism from S06E02's Özgür. Schotty is always dealing with highly strung women. Nevertheless, I find it curious that they didn't pick any of the other episodes to remake.

S02E06 The Dead End / S05E01 Bestattungsvorsorge

Two psychopaths stalk The Cleaner and a pair of hapless undertakers.

OK, this is weird. Throughout Tatortreiniger, Schotty keeps encountering a pair of bumbling undertakers. They're a nice recurring bit of comic relief. So it is strange to see them suddenly appear here. The main plot difference is that the Welsh undertakers are concerned for Wicky's soul - whereas the German ones are desperate to sell him funeral insurance.

The UK version finally resolves the will-they-won't-they of Wicky and Ruth. The German one is much more menacing.

Differences

Of course, it's also interesting to see which episodes didn't get a remake. Schottys Kampf sees the eponymous hero go to clean a crime scene which is full of Nationalsozialismus memorabilia. It is a powerhouse of an episode. But perhaps Wicky's cheeky-chappy persona would have been out of step with the tone of the episode?

Similarly, in Angehörige, Schotty has an uncomfortable, if not homophobic, encounter with the secret gay lover of a magician (it's complicated). The campness isn't the target of the humour, particularly, but - despite all his bluster - Wicky is a lot more open-minded and sensitive than Schotty.

Der Tatortreiniger also has more flights of fancy. In Geschmacksache Schotty is psychoanalysed by the ghost of a victim being cleaned up. It introduces a delightfully surreal element which is also present in "Kampf" - where his revenge fantasies are played out for us to see.

Carpe Diem is just bonkers. The closest thing to Monty Python you wish for. A truly bizarre office full of surreal encounters. Frankly, I'd watch a whole series set in that environment.

I'm particularly disappointed that they didn't remake Der Fluch where, due to a curse, the cast has to speak in rhyming couplets - or be sent back to the start of the episode.

Also, amazing work by the translators for the English subs!

There's always a little scene during the credits in the German version. For example, the "Shaman" episode is nicely capped off with some public urination (and the title music ebbs and flows with the strength of the stream. The UK version gets a rather boring black screen with white text.

Schotty is completely alone. He is the show. Wicky has a sidekick, Ruth (Zita Sattar), a police officer who introduces the scene to him and is a love interest. She's an excellent actor, but the character feels a little superfluous - she exists to humanise Wicky. I almost wish they'd written him to be as grim as Schotty sometimes is.

Verdict

Both shows are excellent. The UK version is full of Davies' usual bombast, wit, and charm. While it occasionally becomes a little maudlin, it doesn't plumb the same depths of despair as the German version.

The original is a masterpiece. It's easy to see why it was remade. A strong central character, a different location each week, and a chance to bring in a range of guest stars.

I'm sure a few of the subtler jokes about German culture flew over my head. But, if you can find a copy of the original (I think it streams on Apple TV in the US) then it is worth watching.

The ending of S07 is just beautiful. And I hope that Greg Davies is allowed to do something that brave and dramatic if The Cleaner gets renewed.

Tschüß!

Despite all the hype about how transformative streaming would be for the industry - there's one thing which never really seemed to take off. It's almost impossible to find "foreign" TV on Netflix, Apple, Prime, and the BBC.

Outside of a few breakout movie hits - like "Space Sweepers / 승리호" - there's a dearth of non-English content for me to watch.

Take Der Tatortreiniger. A hugely successful German comedy⁰ which was remade by the BBC into "The Cleaner". Despite having half-a-dozen streaming options available to me, it is nowhere to be found. If I used a VPN and told Netflix I was in Germany, there are no English subtitles available.

The only way for me to watch it is to buy the US region DVDs.

Even if German comedies are too niche for mainstream Anglophone viewers, isn't that the whole fucking point of the "long tail"?

The extra storage costs for a couple of GB of video are a rounding error to Netflix. An extra entry in the database is nothing. So what's the problem?

In my naïvety, I assumed that streaming services only paid royalties on a per-minute basis. But it seems that it is a lot more complicated than that.

And even if streaming services could accurately report on how popular shows are, lots of media companies are bound up in territorial thinking. Shows are sold to countries and regions. They are explicitly locked behind geographic firewalls. That's what determines the shows you are allowed to view. The Internet is meant to obliterate borders. You can sell to customers all over the world! No barriers!

I know the Long Tail Theory has been mostly discredited. And I know that the ALGORITHM is going to suggest shows which are more profitable rather than more entertaining.

I just wish the world was more open. I want to watch an Iranian sit-com, a Kiwi Biopic, a Korean melodrama, a French documentary, and - yes - a weird German comedy.

I don't want my viewing choices to be artificially restricted.

In the background, a chorus of disgruntled viewers start chanting "Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"

So now on to M*A*S*H. It's hailed as a masterpiece of comedy. But, really, it's an exercise in military propaganda.

The first season is genuinely hilarious and, at times, moving. But there's no disguising just how fun it makes war look.

Imagine being so vital to the war effort that you can back-chat your boss, disobey orders, and act like a asshole without repercussions.

You get provided with an endless supply of uncomplaining nurses to sexually harass. What are they going to do? Complain about a handsy surgeon? LOL!

And professionally? You get presented with tough and interesting cases. You have to demonstrate your excellence every day. Sure, there's an occasional death, but mostly you'll be fêted as a lifesaver. Grope another nurse to celebrate!

All your military superiors are oafish buffoons who you can easily manipulate. OK, the occasional bullet whistles by, but you and your friends never suffer anything worse than a hangover. Hell, you're a better surgeon after a few glasses of homebrew!

All sitcoms take place in a heightened reality. MASH does a brilliant job of mixing the mundane with the profane. But, after all the laughs have faded, I find it disturbing how relentlessly pro-war it is.

Famously the TV show lasted longer than the actual war - presumably because it was so much more entertaining.

You know... I can't remember! I know I got to visit the "Broom Cupboard", and I'm pretty sure I did a lot of data entry, oh - and I sat in a meeting for "Two-Way TV".

These were the early days of the consumer Internet. The WWW was still brand new and it wasn't certain that it would be the dominant communications medium of the future. Digital TV had just launched in the UK and users were regularly exhorted to "press the red button now!" Doing so would bring up an MHEG page which acted as a sort of fancy teletext.

But, crucially, it was one way. You could do a quiz via red button, but there was no way to send your answers back to the broadcaster.

Two-Way TV aimed to change that. My memories are hazy, but I'm pretty sure it was a flimsy grey box which (somehow) integrated with your OnDigital TV Box and a modem. If you were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" you could play along at home, send in your answers in realtime, and win REAL CASH PRIZES!!!

That was their pitch - you can read their now defunct website. UK broadcasters held trials but, ultimately decided to go for interaction via premium rate phone numbers. That led to Two-Way TV going bust. And, of course, sowed the seeds of a huge scandal in TV-land.

But that wasn't the only form of interaction that broadcasters trialled.

In the year 1999, Children's BBC launched a TV show called "Sub-Zero". Hardly anyone remembers it - indeed there's barely a paragraph on Wikipedia. It doesn't exist on YouTube. Essentially, it was kids' version of The Crystal Maze. With some kids taking part via webcams!

Here's a brief clip of the first episode of the second series - 27th February, 2000:

Not exactly impressive, but pretty good for a minimum viable product.

By the second episode, 5th March, the producers were comfortable enough with the technology to support four simultaneous participants!

I'm grateful to the archivists and researchers at the British Universities and Colleges Film and Video Council for tracking down and digitising the episodes.

Webcams of that vintage - as you can see - were low resolution. A max of 640x480, but more likely to be 320x240. Which was fine because the fastest dial-up speed was 56kbps. The ability to transmit video and sound simultaneously was non-existent - hence having the kids on separate phones for voice.

I think it is a fascinating glimpse into the way audience participation developed. Moving from the ubiquitous phone-in to juddery video-in.

By October 2000, Tomorrow's World were interviewing people via webcam.

Nowadays our TV screens are full of pundits Zooming in from home. I don't know if Sub-Zero was the first UK show to use webcams for audience participation - but it was certainly an early pioneer. They proved that it was viable to have multiple video calls being muxed into a TV show. Sure, it was a little shonky, but 20 years later it still looks futuristic.

Was there anything earlier than 2000?

On UK TV? I don't think so.

In the USA, four months prior to Sub-Zero, one of the inventors of the first live camera on the web was interviewed on a cable TV show called ZDTV. Indeed, ZDTV had users calling in via webcam+phone from around mid-1999

In 1995, CNET's Cable TV show described a webcam - but they didn't stream any humans, just a view of San Francisco.

If you know of an earlier example of people participating in a TV show via webcam, please let me know!

Thanks

Many thanks to James O'Malley for leading me down this rabbit hole. Hasn't he grown!?

It's a tough watch.

It obeys all the familiar tropes of a sitcom - a static location, characters drawn in broad strokes, and whacky banter. On paper, it's great. But on screen...

Look, let's get this out of the way - Cheers is pretty funny! We're only on the first 3 seasons, but each episode has a strong comic plot, plenty of chuckles, and general mayhem. Sure, a few of the jokes don't work in the 2020s (the constant "Oh no! The gays!" is a bit off-putting) - but the majority hold up well.

But all the characters are stuck in hell. Sam and Diane are locked in an abusive relationship. I don't just mean that they are emotionally manipulating each other (they are, and it's bad) but that they frequently become physically violent with each other. Not a sitcom-friendly cuff round the ear - but full on raised fists and biting. It is horrible to watch. They're locked in a doomed relationship which spirals down to the grimmest excesses of human misery.

I'm using "Hell" in the literal sense. Cheers is Hades. Cheers is the underworld. Let's look at the evidence.

Sam, is an alcoholic who is doomed to be surrounded by temptation and forced to indulge the alcoholism of others.

Diane is trapped with a sexual predator who uses and discards her. Despite her breeding and education, she is unable to escape from a dive bar where she is constantly bullied by people who she considers her inferiors.

Similarly, Cliff is condemned to have his failures constantly thrust in his face. His sexual inadequacy and humdrum existence are fodder for the other patrons' amusement.

Poor Norm (Norm!). Shackled with a loveless marriage. A slob confronted by people happier and healthier than he. Like Sisyphus, endlessly rolling himself toward the bar.

And Frasier. He could choose any pub in the city, but he returns again and again to the place where his ex-fiancée flaunts her indifference to him and her infatuation with Sam. Would an eagle pecking out his liver be any less painful?

Carla - presumably eternally punished for the sin of pre-marital intercourse - has to spend the majority of her time either pregnant or looking after an ungrateful brood of brats.

The Coach? His mind has gone. He drifts ghostlike through the lives of the other. He understands nothing and spends his days in befuddlement.

What mortal sins did they each commit to be judged so harshly by a loving god?

Someone once said that there was a pronounced difference between the British and American attitude to sitcoms. In British sitcoms, funny things happen to people. In American sitcoms, people say funny things to each other. I don't think this is any more starkly demonstrated than Cheers. It is rare that there is a funny situation, the humour is mostly the characters being relentlessly obnoxious to each other. They're trapped in hell where the only demons are the other lost souls.

In a British sitcom there's nothing funnier than having two people who hate each other trapped together. That's what Red Dwarf is - polar opposites who cannot escape each other. American sitcoms usually makes their characters be friends (like in Friends) or family (like in Modern Family) where there is an expectation that people will stick together.

But Cheers? It's a bar. The patrons, if they had any sense, would leave after the first time Carla threatened them with a switchblade. Or the first time they saw the owner sexually harass a patron. That they don't, points to one inescapable conclusion; they cannot leave.

Is Cheers "The Bad Place"?

Well, OK, Lane Kim is a reasonable person. But the rest of the characters? Despicable!

So why am I watching this show? Partly because lockdown has sent me mad, and partly because it contains some excellent relationship advice. No, seriously, hear me out!

In every conceivable situation, just imagine what Lorelai Gilmore would do - and then do the complete opposite.

Have a conversation with your partner about your thoughts, plans, fears, and feelings. Don't wait until you are emotionally overwhelmed. Treat other people as autonomous humans. Respect your friends and lovers and let them know you trust them. Be honest about what's causing you pain. Understand that, sometimes, "because I want to" is a valid reason. And don't use food as an emotional crutch.

I don't recommend Gilmore Girls. It is a soul-sucking experience, which will drain your very will to live. But, if you do find yourself watching it, talk to the person you're watching it with.

Discussing five movies about relationships over a month could cut the three-year divorce rate for newlyweds in half, researchers report. The study, involving 174 couples, is the first long-term investigation to compare different types of early marriage intervention programs.

The findings show that an inexpensive, fun, and relatively simple movie-and-talk approach can be just as effective as other more intensive therapist-led methods—reducing the divorce or separation rate from 24 to 11 percent after three years.

Divorce Rate Cut in Half for Couples Who Discussed Relationship Movies

There used to be a brilliant blog called "Polite Dissent". In it, a proper doctor reviewed all the diagnoses from the TV show House MD. It was wonderful to read about what the characters got right about medicine, and what they flubbed. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a relationship counsellor review all your favourite shows to explain how the characters should have behaved?

And that's kinda what I like about Gilmore Girls. My wife and I get to shout at the TV screen "OMG! Just tell her!" or "FFS! Just ignore his attention seeking!" or "You've had a dozen Martinis! Why are you driving?!" or "If you're going to enable them, don't be surprised by the consequences." or... Well, you get the picture.

The Rochester research has a full list of its recommended movies - they're slightly outdated now, but the questionnaire is still useful.

So that's my excuse for watching crappy TV and movies. They're excellent fodder for discussing your own relationships.

I don't have children. I don't want children. I find most children annoying - not yours, obviously, yours are lovely. But I resent being asked every single time whether my imaginary kids want an account. It's just annoying.

I can't imagine what it is like for bereaved parents who have recently lost a child. Or for those struggling with fertility issues. That constant reminder every time they try to numb the pain with a sitcom.

For some reason, all the streaming services are desperate for me to add accounts for my (imaginary) children. Are they worried about being sued if little Jimothy accidentally hears a swear word? Thankfully, Netflix lets you delete this imaginary child.

The BBC's iPlayer is less enlightened. They recently forced an "add child account" setting to the front page. It is impossible to remove it.

Terence Eden is on Mastodon

@edent

Hmmm. @BBCiPlayer have forced a children account onto our iplayer.
bbc.co.uk/iplayer/help/q…
Anyone know how to remove it? Can't see anything in the options.

---

Terence Eden is on Mastodon

@edent

The BBC believes that every household has children.
What an utterly bizarre choice. pic.x.com/lHDIy6RR8L

---

Apparently, it is technically impossible to remove an option which has recently appeared.

Amazon Prime has the same forced default child-profile. Although, thankfully, they allow you to remove it with a couple of clicks.

Channel 4 goes a step further. Any time I want to watch anything with sex, drugs, or violence - I have to confirm that I don't want to set up a parental lock.

There's no way that I can find to dismiss the screen. That's an extra click for my RSI-ridden hands every time I want to watch a stupid game show.

Here's the thing. The majority of households in the UK don't have kids.

London contained the highest proportion of families with dependent children in 2019; accounting for half of all families in London, compared with the UK average of 42.0%.

There's this weird belief that everything needs to be made safe for children. Even if no children are present, we have to protect them. That has led to some weird antipatterns.

Frankly, if a child somehow makes it into my home, and is left unsupervised long enough to work out which of the 7 remote controls turns on the TV and surround sound system, and figures out how to access Netflix - I'd say they're mature enough to watch whatever they want.

What's the solution?

I get that making your UI easy for harried parents is a priority. They're a big market - and they can be vocal about any perceived harm to their little ones. But there's no reason to keep showing the option if someone doesn't engage with it. You can ask if a child profile is necessary during set up. If you have a pop-up asking if a user wants a child-friendly account, make sure it has a "never ask me again" option.

The world doesn't revolve around children. It's OK to let people who don't have kids use your services without frustration.

Matt proposes that he hyper-targets his friends and family with fun little messages. I think that's a nice idea.

The cost of TV advertising has plummeted. So, naturally, my mind turns to mischief!

How much would it cost to buy a 30 second spot and just display van Gogh's Starry Night. No text. No voice-over. No call-to-action. Just a moment to appreciate a beautiful artwork. Perhaps a countdown clock in the corner, so people know their TV is still working.

Back in 2010, Seth Stevenson bought cheap TV spots using Google Ads for TV:

One day, when I'm rich enough off the back of wasting my time on Twitter, I plan to spend my vast fortune buying up every advertising space in London and replacing them with... nothing. Turn off the screens, let the billboards go fallow, keep the Tube distraction free.

I'm not that wealthy. Yet.

Sadly, Channel 4 don't let you programmatically buy advertising. You have to speak to a sales-weasel first. Wouldn't it be lovely to buy all those unused, unloved advertising slots and fill them with art without agenda?

So - who do I know who can help me buy some UK TV advertising on the cheap?

The brilliant folks at ElectroMix helped confirmed the error code was to do with the decoder board. They had the replacement part in stock for only £30.

Lay the TV down flat on a soft surface. Remove all cables and the stand.

Unscrew everything you can find. There will be a few plastic bits which clip off as well.

The back of the telly should lift off quite easily. It isn't connected to anything.

The power board is on the left of the image, the MotionEngine in the centre, and the motherboard on the right.

Check the replacement is the the same as the original.

Remove the ribbon cables carefully

Unscrew the board and remove it from the housing.

Screw in the new board and attach the ribbon cables.

Flip the TV over, attach the power, and turn it on.

Success! No more blinking lights!

Screw everything back together.

I hope you remember where all the different sized screws came from?

There was, of course, one screw left over. No idea where it was supposed to go - but it didn't appear to be load-bearing.

So, £30 to resurrect an old broken telly and turn it into an oversized spreadsheet display system. Nice!

All technology leaves scars on the landscape. And Rediffusion was so popular, that it had junction boxes built into the walls of houses. When we moved into our new London home, I spotted this junction box hidden behind a plant pot.

That's a Rediffusion JB 134. There is no information about it on the web. Although this somewhat peculiar book talks about the JB166 - and indicates that it opens from the top.

A casual attempt with a pair of pliers had no effect. Time for the magic juice!

Lots of that sprayed into the hole. Wait a bit, and...

It twisted open. Wanna see inside?

Boxes within boxes, eh? Let's take it out. It's marked Rediffusion JB 123.

Let's crack it open!

So many wires! Zoom! Enhance! Click to embiggen.

Each set appears to be 6 twisted pairs.

I guess one set goes to my left-side neighbour, and one set to the right. One set goes into the house. No idea about the others.

Apparently, there was a local community radio station - Radio Thamesmead which may have been available via this system.

On flickr, there's a photo of a Rediffusion van driving by the local train station back in the 1970s.

We may also have been able to have received Greenwich Cablevision.

And, that's really about all I can tell you. The wires appear to be in good condition. I didn't test to see if there was any signal on them (I hope not!). There doesn't seem to be a junction point that I can find inside our house.

I'm not sure who legally owns the cables - the deeds to the property don't mention them. And I'm not sure if removing them would cause any issues for the rest of the network.

So I've sealed it back up and will leave it for the next intrepid adventurer to discover.

If you know anything else about this system, drop a note in the comment box.

When I was a kid, Frasier seemed to be the epitome of sophistication and wit. It is still, mostly, hilarious. The farce is sublime, the puns intricate, and the pomposity is cringe-worthy.

But, naturally, large parts of it have not aged well. Originally I was planning on writing an episode-by-episode critique - but who has time for that?

Whiteness and White Fragility

There's an almost complete absence of People of Colour. There's an unnamed barista in the first few seasons. Martin's cop buddy, Artie Walsh, gets a whole episode. A couple of minor KACL employees and, a Mexican station owner. I don't know the demographic makeup of turn-of-the-century Seattle - but it feels weird.

There are a few episodes with Mary Thomas (played by Kim Coles) which deal with Frasier's discomfort around his lack of racial awareness.

That's a recurring theme - both Frasier and Niles are deeply uncomfortable with most non-white people they meet.

Brian Stokes Mitchell appears in a handful of episodes as a guest star. Martin has a brief inter-racial relationship. But it's pretty slim pickings. I don't think we ever see Frasier date a Black woman.

One episode does see an interracial gay couple. But, overall, it's a whitewash.

(See also the Café Nervosa Podcast episodes "True White Nonsense" and "People of Colour Season 2".)

Sex and Sexuality

It's a bit of a mixed bag. Roz is a sexually liberated woman and is (usually) celebrated for it. Senior Citizen Sex is cheerfully discussed.

Gay characters are present and accepted. The show won a Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation award and is routinely celebrated by gay fans.

Mostly the humour comes from the straight characters' discomfort. Mostly.

We're never encouraged to laugh at the gay characters for simply being gay. Well, perhaps the camp Gil Chesterton - who is routinely mocked for being in the closet. The episode with Patrick Stewart was undoubtedly progressive for 2003, but today feels like it veers into some uncomfortably homophobic territory.

Trans and Transexuality

There a bunch of really uncomfortable anti-trans jokes. Not much to say about that. Lands about as well as a turd in a punchbowl.

Fat and Fatality

During the eighth season, the actress Jane Leeves became pregnant. In the show, her character gains weight - leading to some pretty harsh "jokes".

This is an interesting question of intertextuality. If you accept the premise that the audience knows the actress is pregnant, then it is a reasonably funny way to fatten the character, give her a few weeks off, and bring her back slimmer.

But it's a rare case of "punching down" from the show.

Masters and Mistresses

In the first few episodes, it is made clear that Niles pays Daphne's wages. This really colours their whole relationship. Daphne is paid to keep these three men happy. Her employment relies on Niles continuing his patronage of her.

It casts an ugly shadow over their relationship.

Niles doesn't ever take advantage of this power imbalance, but his behaviour often lurches into the deeply inappropriate for the workplace.

Which leads us to...

Harass and Harassability

Bulldog regularly sexually harasses the women in the office. He's never celebrated for it, and it usually ends with him coming off the worse. But it's pretty grim.

There's another interesting bit of intertextuality here. The actor, Dan Butler, is gay. He was publicly out in the early 1990s - but does the audience know that? It reminds me of "How I Met Your Mother"'s Barney Stinson - a serial womaniser played by Neil Patrick Harris. Part of the meta-joke is that the actor is happily married to a man, while playing a conniving heterosexual.

Monsters and Monstrosity

The character of Frasier is an incel. Martin is a homophobe. Niles is a stalker. And the less said about Maris the better!

The whole cast of characters are awful. A bunch of self-obsessed bores. Watching an episode once a week is cathartic. Binge-watching a box-set can be an ordeal.

All your faves are problematic

That was a brief and incomplete run down of the weird and problematic tropes I noticed.

For all that, the show is still funny. Like any sitcom, it has its ups and downs - but it knows that its characters are monstrous. We spend more time laughing at the snobs than laughing with them.

But it is impossible to fully enjoy it without a critical eye on what it gets wrong. I mean, c'mon, even Saved By The Bell had a multi-racial cast!

So, which childhood memory should I ruin next?

This book demonstrates how popular culture can be successfully incorporated into medical and health science curriculums, capitalising on the opportunity fictional media presents to humanise case studies. Studies show that the vast majority of medical and nursing students watch popular medical television dramas and comedies such as Grey’s Anatomy, ER, House M.D. and Scrubs.

This book is currently free on the Springer website - and it's a brilliant read.

I thought this was going to be an "Everything I know about X, I learned from watching Y" type book. You know, Philosphy/Buffy, Physics/Doctor Who, Law/The Bill. But it isn't!

It's a thorough look at whether people learn about medicine via popular media (they do!). It also covers what they learn and how it can be misleading. There's a great discussion about the medical ethics shown on TV and how that influences clinicians to behave.

I found it fascinating just how deep our prejudices go - even when discussing fictional characters.

There were also eight mentions that a character was overly emotional, annoying or ‘whiny,’ but these criticisms were exclusively directed at female characters.

And, while we're living in the age of pandemic, there's a nice little look to the future:

When looking at release dates we realised there was a possible link between ‘zombification’ cause and global health events.

To test our hypothesis, we mapped the year of release of pathogenic zombie films against the World Health Organization’s list of infectious disease outbreaks. This demonstrated a correlation between the two, with an increase in the release of infectious biohorror films in the years following outbreaks such as SARS and pandemic influenza . So it appeared that global health threats have an impact on pop-culture media. This is also reported in the literature, where horror films are identified as a barometer of society’s fears, anxieties and cultural consciousness.

An excellent and timely collection of essays.

If you manage to break your TV using this forbidden knowledge, please don't come crying to me for help.

1. Turn on your TV.
2. Switch to an HDMI source. You must not be on a TV menu.
3. Hold down the 0 button until you see the message "Remote controller will control TV"
4. Press the blue 'Home' button on the remote control.
5. Press the following buttons on the remote control number pad, in this order
   • 4
   • 7
   • 2
   • 5

You should be presented with this screen:

The options will vary depending on your TV model.

• Video Settings
  • Whole bunch of things like RF AGC SECAM and ADC Calibration B Offset
  • This is a great way to break your TV.
• Audio Settings
  • Just displays the "Surround Type" - you can't change anything.
• Options 1
  • Power-up settings, hotel mode, volume. Again, read-only.
• Options 2
  • Information about menus, HMDI selection, DCF ID. Yup, nothing to play with.
• Options 3
  • More diagnostic information about smart TV stuff. Includes Alexa Ready state.
• Tuning Settings
  • Tuner type and firmware
• Source Settings
  • Which sources have been enabled
• Diagnostic
  • Remote Control Test - see which buttons you're pressing on the remote
  • Video Pattern Test - pressing right cycles through white, red, green, blue, magenta, turquoise, yellow, grey, black
  • Factory Reset
  • Some more read-only stuff like MAC address
• USB Logging
  • Screen Capture - can be set to Enabled. No idea how to activate it though
  • UART RX - can be Enabled
  • Flash write debug - seems to write a debug list to a USB drive
  • HTTP Test Server - can be Enabled.
  • Export channel list to USB
• USB Operations
  • Only works if you have a USB drive connected - but doesn't seem to do anything.

After turning on the test server, the following ports were exposed:

PORT      STATE SERVICE
2870/tcp  open  daishi
5001/tcp  open  commplex-link
7681/tcp  open  unknown
56183/tcp open  unknown
56789/tcp open  unknown
56790/tcp open  unknown

There are some weird entries in the debug log written to USB:

mbrg_AUDIO_HDMI_MODE_CONFIG : NONPCM mode 
[AUDIO][Utopia]: ===== Check Audio Decoder Protection from hash-key IP =====
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DD Fail, no DD license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DDP Fail, no DD+ license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check Dolby MS11 Fail, no Dolby MS11 license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check Dolby MS12 LC profile Fail, no Dolby MS12 LC profile license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash-key Support Dolby MS12 D profile.
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check Dolby MS12 B profile Fail, no Dolby MS12 B profile license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check AAC Fail, no any AAC license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DDCO Fail, no DDCO license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DTS Fail, no DTS license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash-key Support WMA.
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DRA Fail, no DRA license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DTSLBR Fail, no DTSLBR license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DTSE Fail, no DTSE license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DTSNeoUltra Fail, no DTSNeoUltra license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash-key Support SRS_TSHD.
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check SRS_THEATERSOUND Fail, no SRS_THEATERSOUND license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DTS_StudioSound3D Fail, no DTS_StudioSound3D license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check COOK Fail, no COOK license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash-key Support DTS_HD.
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check Dolby volume Fail, no Dolby volume license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check SRS_PURESND Fail, no SRS_PURESND license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DTS VirtualX Fail, no DTS VirtualX license!!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: Hash Key Check DTS_StudioSound_II Fail, no DTS_StudioSound_II license !!
[AUDIO][Utopia]: ===== Check Protection IP End                         =====

Right, that's it. Hope that's of use to someone.

Here's the problem:

Why am I getting the error "This content can not be displayed because your TV does not support HDCP 2.2."?

I have four pieces of kit in the mix, all of which claim to support HDCP's Digital Restrictions Management:

• Amazon Fire TV Stick - the new 4K version
• Toshiba 49U6863 - a 4K TV
• Denon AVR-X2500H - a 4K surround sound amp
• HDMI 2.0 cable - an 18Gbps rated cable

Easy, right? No!

Here's what does work: Fire -> TV If I plug the Fire Stick directly into the TV, it works! I get 4K HDR. So I'm confident the TV does support HDCP.

Here's what does not work:

Fire -> Denon -> HDMI cable -> TV Causes the Denon to display the "your TV does not support HDCP 2.2." error message when 4K content is played.

Is it the cable?

The HDMI cable claims to support 4K video. The Denon has a built in cable tester which confirms that the cable meets the "4K (6G)" specification.

The cable is short - under 2 meters - so shouldn't run into any latency issues.

Is it the TV's config?

I don't think so. There is an HDMI Full Range settings, which I have enabled.

I've set the HDMI input to "Advanced".

The Fire seems to think the TV is compatible, and lets me switch to 4K, even when it is going through the Denon.

To be clear, Fire -> Denon -> HDMI cable -> TV (Enhanced) does not show an error on the Fire but shows an error on the Denon about HDCP..

Is it the signal pathway?

Despite Denon's marketing material claiming that every port can do 4K HDR, their support pages tell a different story!

I've tried plugging the Fire stick into the closest HDMI port - but it made no difference.

Is it the amp's settings?

There are dozens of permutations of settings, but I think I've narrowed it down to the essentials.

I've turned off all video processing and set the amp to "bypass" all video processing from the HDMI video path.

I think this is where the problem lies - the 4K Signal Format setting.

If I set it to "Standard", I can watch 4K video without HDR.

As soon as I set it to "Enhanced", the Denon shows the HDCP error.

The Denon shows the TV as accepting 4K HDR.

Can you strip the DRM?

Possibly. Devices like Dr HDMI's HD Fury claim they can fix these problems. But I'm loathe to spend another €90 to fix a problem not of my own making.

Conclusion?

I have no clue! Either the Fire or the Denon are doing the HDCP handshake incorrectly. Or, perhaps, the TV doesn't handshake when connected to an amp.

You'd think it would be simple to pass a digital signal from one device to another, via a 3rd - but the paranoia of DRM means paying customers have to put up with all manner of user-hostile limitations.

Next steps?

• Both the TV and Amp were purchased from RicherSounds - so I might give them a call to see if they've any ideas.
• Amazon support don't think it is a problem with the Fire but will pass my comments onto their engineering team.
• I've contacted Toshiba - but they outsource their manufacturing to Vestel, so who knows if I'll ever get an answer.
• Denon have promised to contact me in 48 hours.

Is it my fault for being a media snob?

Well, probably. I should spend less time watching the picture quality, and more time watching the show.

But I'm an innocent customer. I've spent good money to watch high-def media and I'm being stymied because of DRM.

I'd love there to be an open source AV amp so I could actually be in control of what I watch.

If you've got any smart ideas for how to fix this - please drop me a comment!

Update

I returned the Denon thinking it was faulty and got the Pioneer VSX-933. Sadly, it also has the same error! So, next steps are to find another 4K HDR source to see if that works, or... I dunno!

Quickstart

At the command prompt, type telnet 192.168.0.123 4660 then type 1012 and your TV will turn on. MAGIC!

Background

After six years of use, I decided to upgrade my old 37 inch Panasonic TV. I know Toshiba aren't the coolest brand around, but the 49 inch monster was half the price of the old TV. Yay Moore's Law!

BUT! It turns out that Toshiba don't actually manufacture their own TVs. They just rebadge screens made by Vestel - a Turkish company.

And, the Android remote app is made by Cabot Communications. It is pretty crappy.

Neither Vestel nor Cabot are interested in providing documentation, or any technology support. Hmmm... Reminds me, I need to do a GPL request to Vestel...

So it is up to fearless hackers to reverse engineer what they've done.

Open Source To The Rescue!

Before trying anything yourself, see if someone else has done the hard work for you. Teemu Mikkonen had already written some code to control his Vestel TV. It didn't quite work with the Toshiba models, but gave a good starting point.

WebSockets

The TV has a WebSocket interface, which broadcasts some information. Here's a scrap of JavaScript to show you the basics:

var TV = new WebSocket("ws://192.168.0.123:7681/")
TV.onmessage = function (event) { console.log(event.data); }

As you play about with the TV, you'll see various messages pop back - but they're not that useful.

Port Scan

Like all good movie hackers I use nmap. Here's what it reported to be open:

2870/tcp open unknown
4660/tcp open mosmig
4661/tcp open unknown
4725/tcp open unknown
7681/tcp open unknown
56789/tcp open unknown
56790/tcp open unknown
57707/tcp open unknown

I hit the jackpot with the second port! telnet 192.168.0.123 4660 got me in. 1337 h4x0r!

Who's got the button?

I used JADX to decompile Toshiba's Android remote app.

Here are the button codes I found:

BUTTON_HOME 1046
BUTTON_POWER    1012
BUTTON_POWER_NAV    1012
BUTTON_POWER_PLAYER 1012
BUTTON_POWER_PVM    1012
BUTTON_POWER_GES_NAV    1012
BUTTON_POWER_GES_PLAYER 1012
BUTTON_POWER_GES_PVM    1012
BUTTON_RECORD   1051
BUTTON_PLAY 1025
BUTTON_PAUSE    1049
BUTTON_STOP 1024
BUTTON_PREVIOUS 1034
BUTTON_REWIND   1027
BUTTON_FORWARD  1028
BUTTON_NEXT 1255
BUTTON_SCREEN   1011
BUTTON_LANG 1015
BUTTON_SUBTITLE 1031
BUTTON_PRESETS  1014
BUTTON_EPG  1047
BUTTON_TEXT 1255
BUTTON_FAV  1040
BUTTON_3D   1040
BUTTON_SLEEP    1042
BUTTON_0    1000
BUTTON_1    1001
BUTTON_2    1002
BUTTON_3    1003
BUTTON_4    1004
BUTTON_5    1005
BUTTON_6    1006
BUTTON_7    1007
BUTTON_8    1008
BUTTON_9    1009
BUTTON_MENU 1048
BUTTON_MUTE 1013
BUTTON_UP   1020
BUTTON_LEFT 1021
BUTTON_OK   1053
BUTTON_RIGHT    1022
BUTTON_DOWN 1019
BUTTON_VOL_UP   1016
BUTTON_VOL_DOWN 1017
BUTTON_VOL_UP_2 1016
BUTTON_VOL_DOWN_2   1017
BUTTON_PROG_UP  1032
BUTTON_PROG_DOWN    1033
BUTTON_BACK 1010
BUTTON_EXIT 1037
BUTTON_RED  1055
BUTTON_GREEN    1054
BUTTON_YELLOW   1050
BUTTON_BLUE 1052
BUTTON_INFO 1018
BUTTON_MMEDIA   1057
BUTTON_SOURCE   1056
BUTTON_SWAP 1034
BUTTON_CHAN 1045
BUTTON_QMENU    1043

The good news is that the codes perfectly emulate a remote button push, so CEC passes the controls onto devices connected via HDMI.

Security? Where we're going, we don't need security!

Sadly, Vestel TV's are notorious for their lax security. This Toshiba branded one seems to have fixed most major flaws - I wasn't able to execute commands as root on the TV, for example.

But two minor privacy flaws are apparent. Any device on your home network can:

1. control the TV.
2. see its status messages.

Other vulnerabilities may be present, but Toshiba helpfully brands its TVs as "Secure".

I couldn't find any details about the Bavarian State Government's certification programme - let's hope it's good!

If you think you've spotted something that's not listed here, or think I've made a mistake, drop it in the comments.

You can follow along with all 10 series.

Rose

From the start of "New Who" mobile phones are integral to the plot. Rose Tyler has the ultra zeitgeisty Nokia 3200.

With its distinctive double-button design and gorgeous holographic fascia, there's no mistaking this device. There are some close-ups in The End of The World

Quite why she's editing her mum's contact is left as an exercise for the reader.

Here's a clearer view in World War Three:

That was easy! The rest are slightly more tricky.

Jackie Tyler - Rose

Rose's mum is briefly seen using a silver flip phone. Judging by the chassis and the indentation on the front, I'd guess a Motorola V171 or similar. If I've got it wrong - please enlighten me.

Mickey - World War 3

Poor old Ricky. While his girlfriend is off saving the cosmos, he's stuck in a garage. In Aliens of London, he seems to have a fairly dull Nokia.

This was the era of Nokia producing hundreds of subtlety different phones. I'm going to take a punt and say it's the Nokia 6610 - based on the bulge at the top and the button placement.

Which is interesting because, as you can see from the screen cap, it does not have a camera! How did he take a photo? Boy, I really hope someone got fired for that blunder!

We get a closer view in Boom Town:

That stripe down the side is characteristic of the 6610.

Update! Dissension in the ranks! Some people think I've unfairly maligned the props team.

The 7250 does have a stripe down the side and has a camera.

Groom's Father - Father's Day

Ah! Father's Day - a beautiful episode. But what's this large plastic lump being held by Frank Rozelaar-Green?

Bit tricky to tell, but based on the size, round numberpad keys, the two rows of function keys underneath, I think it is an NEC 9A.

That would have cost £1,800 in the 1980s. That's £5,000 in today's money!

Captain Jack - Boom Town

As the gang prepare to track down the Slitheen, they synchronise phones before splitting up.

Rose and Mickey have the same Nokias as before, but Cap'n Sexypants has this gorgeous beast tucked in his trousers.

Phwoar! A Motorola - almost certainly from the large central logo and offset front facing camera.

I thought this was the E1000 - although it doesn't have the buttons on the side. It's also similar to the C980. Judging by the circles on the corners, it looks like a flip-phone with a transparent cover - reminiscent of the A768i.

Is it even a Moto? The green answer button is on the right - Motos have them on the left. Perhaps this is just a prop? Help me out here!

Update! Once again, Sam Machin saves the day!

Yup, that's the Motorola A835

The Doctor - Boom Town

WTAF? A Time Lord with a phone? In the same episode, you can see the Doctor has his own device.

Yet another Nokia. This time the 6230i - I'd recognise that back stripe anywhere.

More!

That's a wrap for Series One. We've finished with the Bad Wolf arc - now it's time for the rise of Torchwood. I'll be publishing one series per day.

Follow along at https://shkspr.mobi/blog/tag/doctor-who-phones/.

Archives

Enjoyed this post? Here are the other seasons of Doctor Who:

• S01
• S02
• S03
• S04
• Specials
• S05
• S06
• S07
• Day of The Doctor
• S08
• S09
• S10
• Classic Who
• S11
• S12
• Bonus Rose
• Revolution of the Daleks
• S13: Flux
• 2022 Specials

I watched the episode live at home on my Panasonic TX-L37ET5B.

After the broadcast, I wanted to watch it again. That's where the problems started.

First, a quick lesson on how 3D TV broadcasts work. Generally speaking, most 3D TV is Half-Side-By-Side. That means the left and right image are horizontally compressed and combined into a single image.

The TV automatically detects that the image is split-screen and then turns the image into 3D. It displays the left image so it can only be seen by the left eye, and the right by the right. If we apply that to the above image, we get this 3D effect.

So far, so good! The BBC have the 3D version of Day of the Doctor on iPlayer - and my TV has an iPlayer app. The only problem is that the iPlayer app on the Panasonic doesn't trigger the TV's automatic 3D detection. Even when I force the TV to 3D mode, it persists in showing the original picture. I've no idea if this is a fault with Panasonic's coding, or with the BBC's.

Well, my phone can access the iPlayer - and it can output its screen over HDMI. How well would it work? The answer, not well!

Here's a screenshot from my Android phone from the same scene.

You'll notice two things with it. Firstly the image quality is dreadful. The image resolution is 832*468 and the bitrate appears to be very poor.

Secondly, there's a bloody great BBC logo in the top left! The BBC have known for ages that Digital Onscreen Graphics (DOGs) are annoying for their viewers - but still they persist!

The problem with this on 3D content becomes readily apparent. The DOG is stretched and appears to flicker in and out to the viewer.

In addition, all iPlayer audio content is only in stereo - not the lovely surround sound of the original broadcast.

So, I can have iPlayer through the TV which won't display in 3D, I can have it through my phone in low quality with a ridiculous DOG, or I can find a kindly soul on the Internet offering Doctor Who in 1080p 3D with surround sound via a dodgy download.

I bet they don't have these problems on Inspector Spacetime!