One day we were summoned into a large conference room. Our CEO was on the speakerphone (I told you this was a long time ago) with an important update on our financial situation.

I think every arsehole in the room puckered. Were we about to be made redundant? No! Far from it. The business had just taken on a massive amount of investment from a prominent Venture Capital fund. The champagne flowed! With this money we could turbo-charge our hiring, build new products, and accelerate our growth.

At least, that's what I thought. In my naïveté, I congratulated our head of sales on the growth of his empire. More money meant more sales staff, yes?

He was glum. "That's not how it works," he explained.

Our large institutional investors had a vast stable of other companies. Each covered a different bit of the tech ecosystem and our advertising business was about to become part of an incestuous web. Every app that the VCs had invested in would now be "encouraged" to use our advertising solution. You don't need a sales team when your customers are your cousins in an arranged marriage.

Similarly, our approved corporate chat tool would be replaced by one from another stable-mate. Who, in turn, would buy advertising from us.

Over the next few months our growth rocketed and almost none of it was organic.

Eventually I left for pastures marginally more ethical than advertising. But I continue to see the same pattern repeat itself.

When you wonder why one social network grows and another doesn't - look at the investors.

For example, I'm sure a lot of Twitter's early growth was organic. But once rich and powerful companies can direct their investments to sign up and route all their customer service / product announcements through there, it exploded. When you have a financial investment at stake, finding ways to boost growth is a priority - and a little mutually reinforced reciprocation goes a long way.

I don't know if Mastodon (and other ActivityPub services) have reached their maximum organic growth. I suspect they have. To be clear, I'm not calling on Mastodon to take on a billion dollars of VC funding. But without sales teams and without a bunch of associated organisations forced to use it, I worry that the Fediverse will hit a natural limit.

And, again, I don't know if that's a bad thing per se - but if you're expecting big companies, governments, and your favourite VC-adjacent celebrities to join, you're likely to be disappointed.

Here is - almost verbatim - the conversation I had with the recruiter.

Me: "Hello! What do I need to do in order to use my computer science degree to catch criminals?"

Them: "Well, after the physical, first you'll need to spend several years as a beat copper working on the front line. And then..."

Me: "Byeeeeeeee!"

Like, I can get that it might be useful to have practical experience of nicking scumbags and cracking heads. But I wanted to spend my days behind a computer - not getting roughed up, spat at, and being abused. I simply wasn't prepared to make that sacrifice. And certainly not for the salary they were offering.

There's a rage-bait story doing the rounds at the moment - Gen Z Cops 'Won't Work Weekends or Overtime'. Curse the youth of today! O tempora, o mores!

The reality is slightly more prosaic. A Police Scotland Superintendent said:

Young people don't want to come in and work overtime; they want their weekends off. They aren't like Gen X that came in before them.

It is not that Gen Z recruits are less inclined to work the weekends they have been rostered, but rather they are less willing to volunteer for additional overtime at the weekend and even less pleased when weekend or days off are canceled, as is often the case in policing

Well… duh!

Would you work for a paltry wage and risk your domestic relationships in service of people who didn't appreciate you? No.

I remember reading the book "The Secret Barrister" The author - a lawyer - complains about all the bullshit working practices, late nights, unrealistic demands on their time, and the crappy pay. All I could think of while reading it was "You chose this life. You knew what it was like before you got in."

I feel the same when I read about doctors and surgeons having their lives upended by work. I thought about trying to become a medical doctor when I was a kid². But I took one look at the sacrifices I'd have to make - insane training hours designed by a sadist, zero control over my career, an uncaring management structure - and I noped out.

Sure, some people have a calling. They feel the need so strongly that it over-rides all other issues. But most people aren't like that, are they?

A startup founder might be prepared to sacrifice everything in order to change the world. Their first half-a-dozen hires might also drink the Kool-Aid. But after that, it is diminishing returns. Why would I work 80 hour weeks for your shitty start-up when I could get a job which gives me a pension and lets me clock-off in the evening?

The Chief Superintendent who made the comments about Gen-Z makes a reasonable point:

The Service must evolve its practices and systems of work to accommodate flexibility wherever possible, if we are to attract and retain people within policing

It isn't that the kids are wrong - they rarely are - it's just that the incentives are wrong. It sometimes seems like we've built a world that relies on the enthusiasm of true believers.

But once someone points out that the emperor has no clothes, it doesn't take long for goodwill to evaporate and systems to crumble.

Here's the verbatim message I received - there were no links other than to Twitter. See if you can work out what this startup does...

Just a quick heads up to let you know that we'll be attending $conference 2017 – and we’re pretty excited about it! Hopefully you’ll be plugging in alongside us.

Interested in using our APIs? Great – you’ll just need an account. We’d recommend signing up earlier rather than later to make sure you’re set up in time for the mayhem.

Sign-up is simple and should only take about three minutes, but if you’ve got questions just get in touch on Twitter @StarlingDev or through the $conference Slack channel.

See you there!

From Team Starling

From this we can determine...

1. Starling's sign up process is too long and complicated to easily do at a hackathon.
2. They have an API.
3. ...
4. Err... Starling is a type of bird? Are they Twitter related?

Most startups live in a bubble. They live and breathe their brand. No one else does. Most people haven't heard of your disruptive attempt to shift the paradigm. Hell, even if you're a company like Facebook - most developers won't be intimately familiar with everything your API can offer.

Here's a better way to write a note to developers:

Just a quick heads up to let you know that Starling Bank will be attending $conference 2017. We're a financial institution with a difference - we provide a full set of banking APIs. Check balances, transfer money, manipulate Direct Debits - it's all there!

Interested in playing with our APIs? Great – sign up for an account. We recommend signing up before the hackathon as you will need to set up two-factor authentication and provide some ID (to help prevent fraud).

If you’ve got questions just get in touch on Twitter @StarlingDev or dive in to our developer documentation.

See you there!

From Team Starling

Now we know...

1. What Starling does!
2. Why it makes sense to sign up early.
3. How to sign up.
4. Where to find out more.

It's important to remember that no one cares about your startup! You can't assume every developer has read your press releases, or your CEO's wisdom on LinkedIn.

When I met Starling's developer relations team at the conference, I was impressed by how good they are. They knew their product intimately and were able to answer my esoteric questions about UK banking regulations. They deserve better promotional messages.

This could be worse - they could be a lot more malicious and I could be in a more vulnerable position. I am positively festooned with privilege - so I don't have to worry about my physical safety, but it's annoying and distressing having to constantly filter them from my life. Other people aren't so lucky.

I thought I had successfully blocked them, until they started following me on Product Hunt:

For those of you who don't know, PH is a well-funded site which allows creators to show off their start-ups and other projects. It is, naturally, Silicon Valley in the extreme.

Somehow, they'd found me there. Annoying, but time to hit the block button. What's this? There isn't one.

It's 2017. We've had decades of trolls, harassers, killfiles, and mutes. This multi-million dollar business - which exists in a tech world steeped in misogyny, racism, and ugliness - doesn't see fit to give its users any controls over their own safety.

This is the conversation I had with their support team over the course of several day. All quotes are verbatim, but with the user's name removed.

• Me: "Someone I blocked on Twitter has started following me here. How can I block this user on ProductHunt? Doesn't make me feel safe."
• PH: "unfortunately we dont have a way to block users from following on Product Hunt yet"
• Me: "Please can you remove the user X from following me. I have blocked them on Twitter but there's no way to do that on Product Hunt."
• PH: "Our site is synced with either FB or Twitter. If X is blocked on those, they will be blocked on PH as well."
• Me: "Then there is a bug on your code. I have blocked X on Twitter. I do not want X in my life and their presence in my followers list is distressing me. Please remove them from my followers."
• PH: "Ok, I talked with the team and we don’t have blocking functionality right now unfortunately."
• Me: "Are you seriously telling me that you don't have the ability to change a single row in your database? I find the user's presence on my list disturbing. I appreciate that your company is small and not well funded. I know that harassment is a minor problem in the tech industry and therefore it is unusual to have to worry about user safety. I am not asking you to ban this user. I am BEGGING you to stop them from following me."
• PH: "We removed them from following you. Sorry for the inconvenience. That's a bummer."

"That's a bummer." Gosh yes, that's the only hecking way I'd describe this situation. What a bummer, dude.

FFS. You wouldn't launch a product without understanding usability, would you? Or launch a product without considering security and accessibility.
It's 2017 - you cannot launch a social product without thinking about user safety.

I'm lucky. I don't have a violent ex stalking me, or a rabid "fan", or a menacing former employer.

What I do have is a platform to call out Product Hunt. Not cool, guys. Not cool.

Fronk have decided that women are under-served in the wearables market. Their (male) CEO, (male) chief designer, (male) head of strategy, and (male) CTO have the secret to getting women to wear fitness trackers - gold plate them, cover them in crystals, and sell them as though they were jewellery.

OK, fair enough, I'm sure their market research bears that out - but what are they really selling? That was the rather blunt question I asked them.

"Wellness!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"We sell wellness. We let a women know when she is feeling stressed, what times of the day her heart rate spikes, and we provide a support system to help women cope with the rigours of everyday life."

"Ah," I said, almost without thinking, "You mean 'Women are broken - let's fix them.'"

There was a sharp intake of breath. Then a little disagreement. Not all of it friendly.

"No!" They contended, "We believe that modern women face a multitude of challenges - and they are primarily concerned with their Wellness."

"OK, but what is Wellness?"

"Women feel that the stresses of modern life can have a negative impact on their Wellness. We want to help them feel better about themselves, and feel more confident that they understand their bodies."

"Women are sad - buy our tracker and feel happy?"

"It's more than a feeling - we want them to understand what their body is going through. Our new Fronk-Bracelet helps a woman understand her hormonal cycle. An essential part of Wellness."

"Oh! So it's a medical device?"

"No no no - it's a Wellness device."

"But surely measuring fertility and giving advice based on that would make it a medical service?"

"It's a Wellness service. We don't make any medical claims."

I looked around their open-plan co-working space. A space I'd wandered into without being challenged by security. Where several employees had gone to lunch and left their computers unlocked. Where passwords and server configs were written on whiteboards.

"Where do you store this medica... excuse me! Where do you store this Wellness data?"

"It's encrypted!"

"OK, so this encrypted data - which contains heart rate, stress details, sleep cycle, body temperature - and which is emphatically not medical data - what do you do with it? How does it promote Wellness?"

A pause, while they decided whether to reveal their top-secret plans to me.

"It will recommend Yoga studios in your area. We've partnered with several popular chains and arranged great discounts. Of course, we also take a percentage. And the app will recommend great equipment that you can buy!"

"Right... So this £15 wearable wrapped in £200 of gaudy jewellery is just a vector for you to sell yoga supplies?"

A polite chuckle.

"Not at all! If we detect that you are stressed, we can recommend NLP Podcasts which you can buy with in-app purchases. If your sleep cycle seems off, we can sell you a detox juice which is delivered through your letter-box. If your period is irregular, we'll send you some healing crystals which you can wear with your Fronk-Band."

"Does any of this work? Is there any evidence for it?"

"It makes them feel like their Wellness has improved!"

"So, to recap. After buying this overpriced piece of tat which makes no claims as to its accuracy, you'll tell women all the ways they are broken and then sell them irrelevant Wellness solutions?"

"We feel that Women want to improve their Wellness. And often, they don't even know that they have poor Wellness!"

Very little of this conversation was embellished. The product is genuinely under $25 from Alibaba, the company have set it in some fairly expensive jewellery, written an app, and set up a whole raft of deals. All very impressive - but somehow deeply depressing.

The underlying assumption of this, and many other start-ups is that Women Are Broken. That their feelings are fundamentally negative and that purchasing faux-solutions is a sensible way for them to manage their lives. And if the woman doesn't think she's broken, make up some flaws and constantly remind her of them.

It's little better than going to a "psychic" who tells you that you are cursed and - coincidentally - can be cured for a very reasonable fee.

There are two fairly serious points I'd like to make in this otherwise lighthearted piece.

1. Start-ups can't be trusted with health data. Seriously, if Dropbox can't keep your passwords safe, do you want to trust the intimate details of your life to a loft in Shoreditch?
2. Women aren't broken. Preying on people's fears, creating new neuroses, and selling a fix is a scuzzy way to make a living.

Or, as Mitchell and Webb put it: