I had this gorgeous Barret Biggers - Link Blot poster which had lain in a drawer for far too long. So I turned it into an Amiibo.

Nestled in the corner, sandwiched between the print and the glass, is an NTAG215 chip.

Using the open source TagMo app for Android, I've written the data of one of my Nintendo amiibo to the chip. Now, in the middle of an epic battle on Breath of the Wild, I can run up to the artwork, awkwardly hold the JoyCon in just the right place, and get a much needed power up! Sweet!

What's the point?

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD, JEFF! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

Geez sport, I was only askin'. Wanna tell me what's really on your mind?

You wouldn't understand...

Try me...

Other uses

My ridiculously talented cousin, the artist Judi Lapsley Miller creates the most brain-bending bird-based artworks.

Hidden in the corner is another NFC tag. Tap it, and it goes directly to the artwork's homepage.

Visibility

NFC suffers from several problems - most of which can be solved by using a QR code.

• The tag needs to be visible. That white circle is a little incongruous. I could have hidden it behind the paper, but then no one would know it was there, and they wouldn't know where to place their phone.
• Where is your phone's sensor? Do you know? If not, you'll be rubbing your phone all over the glass, attempting to find it.
• Physical contact is damaging to artwork. NFC is "contactless" - but if you ever watch people pay for things with their phone, they often slam it down on the reader. Not what you want on your art.
• NFC is expensive. Between 50p - £2 per chip, depending on model. QR just requires black ink and white paper.
• Limited data. The NTAG215 holds 504 bytes. QR codes can hold 8x that amount.

Basically, for anything other than an amiibo, QR codes still win.

So, there you go, I have created an impractical video game accessory. Where is my VC funding?

I'm a grumpy old sod, so these are all the things I dislike about this frickin' weird game.

Grade Inflation

The very first level nets you 900 XP. What? The numbers are meaningless from the beginning. What happens when you reach different levels? WHAT ARE ALL THESE NUMBERS FOR?

What do I do with all this money?

Throughout the game your earn coins. What can you do with them? Eventually, you can buy fancy clothes and other items. All of which serve to make your exercise easier. Yup - you can literally buy your way out of hard work. Which, I guess is neat - but not really in the spirit of the game.

It's also pretty easy to get distracted and spend your morning exercise buying and configuring things. Or maybe that's just me.

Annoying Voices

The trainers' voices are so American and so perky. I got sick of them after a few rounds. Luckily, I found a hack!

You can set the voices to a foreign language!

I chose Chinese. I have a passing familiarity with the language - so it's like getting a Duolingo lesson at the same time. Ish.

Here's a sample video:

Biometrics

It's kinda nice to have it measure your heartbeat. But also slightly creepy. Does that data ever leave my console?

Controllers

I obviously have very slippery thighs! No matter how tightly I strap on the thigh-controller (what a sentence!) it always works its way down.

The flex controller is amazing - it really is. You can feel the vibrations throughout the whole structure and it is precise enough to track the exercises. But... it feels fragile. I'm not the Incredible Hulk, but I'm always worried that it'll snap in my hand.

Endless competition

No, I don't want to share my score with my friends. No, I don't care what other people around the world are doing. I play games because I'm antisocial, not because I'm motivated by competing with a hyped-up tween in Arizona.

And I'm not just saying that because my wife is beating me!

Terence Eden is on Mastodon

@edent

annoyed I can't beat this boss #RingFitAdventure #NintendoSwitch pic.x.com/ff2cpexjn0

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Yeah, it's also kinda annoying to "lose" exercise. You basically have to spend half your time fiddling with the weird interface, picking potions, choosing clothes. I guess I want a "don't make me think" option where it just picks the right exercises without me having to worry if I have enough XP and Buffs.

Weird IP

The coins are rings. Was this meant to be a Sonic The Hedgehog game? It seems strange that you play as an anonymous avatar and the characters are generic blobs. Perhaps it would be more fun if you were Sonic or Mario running through your game world?

Bizarre UI

Halfway through jogging round a course the game pauses to tell you that you've levelled up. Why? What can I do with these levels?

Before playing, you have to deal with this confusing mess of a UI.

Sometimes clicking on things selects them, sometimes it opens up another menu. Why do I have to spend time managing this game? Haven't the designers ever heard of "Don't make me think?" I'm exhausted from battling a cartoon dragon - just give me a button which chooses the right exercises.

Mind you, it does also encourage me to stop exercising. Is this reverse psychology?

Price

I managed to pick it up for £70 - which is the RRP. There are plenty of places selling it for 3x that. A normal game costs about £40, so you're paying £30 for the thigh-strap (a scrap of fabric) and the RingCon (a metal band). Meh. Still cheaper than an exercise bike.

Verdict

It's working. It's a better workout than grinding away on an exercise bike. It's more distracting than listening to podcasts.

It's a daft way to get exercise - but it seems to be making me sweat. And I'm aching in places that I didn't even realise had muscles. So it's probably working.