Let's get one thing out of the way first. I am not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV. This blog post is not medical advice.

A few years ago I was suffering from some gastric issues. The doctors had tried several things - including a colonoscopy - but found nothing. At the start of the pandemic, when it was impossible to get a GP appointment, I decided to try cutting out dairy. And that basically solved a lot of issues. Turns out, I may have age-onset Lactose Intolerance⁰.

Adjusting to it hasn't been so hard. I was already vegetarian, so switching to being mostly vegan¹ was pretty simple. But I miss proper cheese.

I occasionally take a Lactayse supplement if I know I can't avoid dairy. But that's a bit of a faff. And scientists haven't figured out how to permanently cure Lactose Intolerance yet² - they're too busy trying to cure cancer. Which is reasonable, I suppose.

And then I discovered Manzo Pharmaceuticals Lacto-Freedom. It's a 1 week course of probiotics which claims to give you several months worth of lactase-producing enzymes. Basically re-colonising your colon to allow you not to shit yourself every time you accidentally look lovingly at a slice of cheese.

Total cost including shipping from the USA was about £40. Pricey for a small bottle of pills. But, crucially, do they work?

The experiment

In order to do a proper test, I decided to experiment on myself. I ate some dairy-cheese, a couple of spoonfuls of yoghurt, and washed it down with half-a-pint of semi-skimmed.

The results were... look, do you want the gory details? There was sound, fury, spasms, bloating and - by the next day - I was literally a kilogram lighter³. So I think it's fairly safe to say that milk doesn't agree with me!

Treatment

The probiotics have to be taken on an empty stomach. Either an hour before eating or two hours after. Three times per day. No alcohol consumption - lest you sterilise the little buggers. And, obviously, no antibiotics.

The pills aren't large:

21 of those over a week. Then leave it another week to settle down. Then you should be able to consume dairy with impunity⁴.

The result

Like any probiotic, they can bubble up inside your guts. The pack came with a warning that they might cause stomach cramps. For the first couple of days of taking them, I was much more flatulent than usual⁵. It took a few days for things to calm down⁶.

I took all 21 over a week. Waited a few days. Then poured cow's milk all over my cereal. And...

…Nothing. My stomach gave a few little rumbles throughout the day. But I never experienced that it's happening feeling which will be common to so many of my LI friends. The little critters in my intestines chomped away on the lactose. I felt a little bloated, but nothing like I usually do.

I didn't go overboard with dairy⁷ over the next few days. A scrap of cheese, milk on my cereal, the occasional snaffle of chocolate. It all seemed to go just fine.

The "protection" is supposed to last for around 3 months. Is £160 per year a good deal in order to feel confident that you're not going to have an embarrassing moment if you accidentally eat an entire Edam? You tell me.

How does it work?

SCIENCE! A per their patent, they genetically engineered L. acidophilus MPH734. They tested its effectiveness on rats and humans.

But, it's important to note the disclaimer on their website:

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

There is a clinical trial record - but no results have been published.

Should I take it?

I am not a doctor. I cannot give medical advice. I am not being paid to promote these. The pills haven't been officially tested in the UK, as far as I know.

But, reporting on this study of one person, these seem to work. I haven't tried stuffing my face with a thousand kilos of cheese - that's probably enough to overwhelm anyone's guts. But for managing the odd pizza, or cheese on crackers, or a packet of crisps inexplicably bulked up with milk powder - it's pretty good!