Memeweavers

[Content Note: Drugs, Violence Sexual Assault, Death]

Silphium isn't extinct; it's just a tightly guarded secret.

If you go spelunking through the bio-history of this planet you'll find a range of plants which don't make sense. The avocado has a humongous fruit which can't easily be digested by modern animals because it was designed to be plucked and eaten by long-dead megafauna. Whole species of flowers long to be pollinated by insects which have not flown by for millennia. Deep at the bottom of the oceans are several types of plants which fled down in terror as aquatic dinosaurs hunted them. A never-ending tribute to the harsh realities of Darwin's laws. The remains of evolution laid bare for us all to see.

Humans hunted to extinction a dizzying number of animals. Maybe climate change depopulated the Woolly Mammoths, but they weren't helped by humans desperate for meat, ivory, and the thrill of the chase. Dodo weren't stupid, but they were delicious. Perhaps worse are the innumerable birds which suffered genocide because humans thought their feathers looked pretty on women's hats. I even understand that Pubic Lice are on the verge of being wiped out because of human fashion. How depressing must it be to know that your entire species has vanished from the planet just because grown adults find their naturally hairiness a bit icky?

Plants suffer too. Entire ecosystems ravished overnight because they "needed" to be burned away for encroaching humans. Delicious plants over-eaten by insatiable appetites, ugly plants over-weeded lest they disturb the visual landscape, helpful plants given a fatal dose of pollution by accident, pretty plants decapitated to stand in stagnant vase water until they droop. This planet once had an incredible variety of edible plants, but they were slowly replaced with a more profitable monoculture. Humans let disease spread through the mighty banana trees until only the barely edible clones were left. Species after species sacrificed on the altar of human convenience and hubris.

You've been told Silphium is also one of the unlucky victims. That's a lie.

Silphium was a contraceptive and abortifacient used by the Romans. It saved untold marriages, prevented wayward children from being disgraced, and was considered a source of the state's power. Epic poetry was written about it and songs were sung in its praise. A prized resource which brought in untold quantities of gold. It was of such importance that its symbol was stamped into coins. In a pinch, it tasted pretty good in a stew! All praise the plant! Hail Silphium! People were so hungry for it, so desperate to ward off unwanted pregnancies, that they harvested it to extinction.

Does it seem likely that the state would allow such a strategically important crop to be wiped out? No. It is a story from the mouths of liars destined for the ears of idiots.

Silphium was, it's true, a useful contraceptive. And, yes, it made even the thinnest stew taste like a hearty meal. But that's not why it was hidden from the population. The ancient world was a time of alchemy and proto-science. Experimentation was rife thanks to an endless supply of slaves and an economic system desperate for new discoveries. Wizards, sorcerers, and mages all competed in the marketplace of ideas - each trying to snare a wealthy patron using exaggerated tales of the miracles and magic they could perform. Lost to time is the name of the person who changed the world. Lost is the hero of Silphium.

One of the city magicians had been "gifted" a slave girl to experiment on. Judging from the few contemporary accounts that survive, she and her mistress were both struck down with the same ailment; a debilitating wasting disease. It gnawed away at their insides, caused unsightly lesions, and made their hair fall out in sticky clumps. Their vomit was bloody and their energy was depleted. The master of the house bade his magician to find a cure and offered up the poor slave to try the treatments before her mistress was subject to them. The poor thing must have been terrified.

The magician tried all the cures of the day. She was bled with leeches, sweated and frozen, and made to drink whatever cocktail of nonsense the quack could conjure up. She was also repeatedly raped. The magician wouldn't have considered it as such, nor would the laws of the state. Slaves did not have bodily autonomy and could be used for any purpose. No one asked her what she thought of the arrangement. The magician may have been a despicable rapist, but he wasn't a fool. He loaded her up with silphium so as not to inconvenience her with a child. Despite his ignorance, he'd accidentally hit on just the right mixture of silphium and other herbs to create an elixir. Judging by modern experiments, she would have recovered quickly and gained more strength than she knew how to handle. She beat her rapist to death, ripping him limb from limb, and dragged the bloody carcass through the street back to her master's house. There she administered the silphium serum to her mistress, saving her life. As I said, we do not know this hero's name - all we know is that her actions began a revolution.

Silphium was a wonder drug. Mixed properly, it could cure all ills. A person at their sickest, most diseased, and corrupted by foul pestilence could be brought back from Death's door. Tumours shrunk, palsies retreated, even shattered limbs would regain their form. To those that ingested its magical properties, it bestowed life. As the body was restored, a surge of energy overwhelmed it, burning away any illness and temporarily providing the strength of a dozen men. The master's ancient mother, a wizened old crone who had fewer teeth than she had marbles rattling around in her head, was revitalised. Her eyes could finally see again and she beamed with the joy of a teenager once more.

The master was a wealthy man and knew how to exploit information asymmetry. If he could capture the market in silphium, he would be the apothecary to the world. Emperors would fall at his feet begging to be cured. His name would be carved into tablets a hundred feet tall. He foresaw the wars that would be fought over this most precious resource and was determined to keep it a secret. Killing the slave girl would have been the logical next step. She alone knew the secret of the herb. Silphium cures and restores; it doesn't make the imbiber impervious to mortal wounds. Similarly, his wife and mother couldn't be trusted not to betray him. You may think that cruel. He saw it as practical; only the dead can keep a secret.

Ironically, he needn't have bothered turning to murder. Silphium is an addictive drug. Not just psychologically - although some of us deliberately get ill just so we can experience the rush of recovery again - but physiologically. Once cured, the body is infused with a potent mix of silphium DNA and other chemicals which binds to the cells. Without regular infusions, the body weakens, the mind fades, and the soul begins to degrade. Withdrawal can be sudden and, when it comes, it cannot be reversed. The body rapidly ages - as though all the health is being drained from it - and only death follows.

As the years wore on, the master cornered the market in the herb. He pickled and preserved gallons of it, paid to burn down fields, bribed slaves to hand over their masters' keys, and jealously guarded its astounding secret. Before too long, he was the only grower of silphium in all of civilisation. I say "before too long", but when he looked back, it had been well over 300 years. Silphium cured all ills - including ageing. Taken at the right potency, on a strict regime, and always on a moonless night, it became apparent that silphium was the fountain of eternal youth.

Silphium was, to the rest of the world, extinct. One more plant that once thrived and was now nothing more than the stuff of legend. Once in a while, when someone worthy was found, they would be inducted into our cult. A small gathering of those who truly deserve functional immortality. I don't remember when I joined. The plant keeps our body youthful and our mind supple, but there's only so much a human brain can hold. Perhaps I was the master our legends speak of? Perhaps I am a mere 500 years old. None of us know.

What we do know is that we had to preserve our monumental secret. It wasn't just enough to wipe the blessed plant from existence; it had to be obliterated from the world's collective memory. So we became memeweavers. We rewrote history books. We usurped excavations which came too near our old plantations. We burned libraries. Above all, we laid traps. There are persistent legends that, deep within the Amazon, grows a plant that can cure cancer. That was us misdirecting you. We send scientists on wild-goose chases as far away from us as possible.

We also sought out those who knew - or suspected - the truth.

Once in a while we would write an article in a journal. When the web was young, we'd send rambling posts to email lists. Latterly, we have been weaving our memes on social media. The phrasing changed over the years, but the message was always the same: "OMG! Did you know about this cool plant?!?!"

Most people reply with fascination. Some with half-cocked conspiracy theories. Others, like you, stumbled upon the truth. You looked through what history we couldn't destroy, you noticed the gaps in the story, you pieced together what really happened, and you revealed yourself to us. You aren't the first and, unless we can get much better at destroying online archives, you won't be the last.

And that, dear reader, is all there is to it. It is the reason we brought you here today. Now that you know the secret of Silphium we need to know if you will join our eternal dance, or would you prefer your life to be unexpectedly cut short? The decision is all yours.

Thanks for reading

I'd love your feedback on this story. Did you like the style of writing? Was the plot interesting? Did you guess the twist? Please stick a note in the comments to motivate me 😃

Hungry for more? You can read:

• 2024's "Revenge Of The Mutant Algorithms"
• 2023's "Tales of the Algorithm"