Chapter 28 - A Kiss From A Nose

From the Web-Log of Doctor Nosetacular!

2032-11-28

There's no such thing as superheroes. That's why I've placed my head in a vice and am expanding my nasal cavities with a surgical drill.

All my life I wanted to be special. I grew up on a diet of those glossy superhero movies and spent every birthday running in a cheap plastic costume defeating all the bad-guys in my neighbourhood. The older I got, the less I put away childish things. All my electives at college were focussed on one goal - make me a hero.

I couldn't figure out a way to fly. X-ray vision sounds nice but is basically for perverts. Breathing underwater is solved by SCUBA. And I couldn't find a magic ring or ancient wizard anywhere. But I did have a theory. Or hypothesis. I forget which one's which. What if a man could smell like a dog? No. That didn't come out right. What if a man could smell as good as a dog does? No. Argh. Let's get it right.

What if a man had a sense of smell which was as good as a dog's?

And that's why I have a drill halfway up my nose. I'm making room for the implants which will wire up to my neurons and give me a 100,000x increase in olfactory capability. I've dissected hundreds of dogs to get to this point, and now I'm making the final leap. All those smell receptors have been submerged in a nutrient bath for weeks while I chugged down immunosuppressants and calibrated the cybernetic implants which would augment my brain. The pain is, of course, indescribable. But it will all be worth it. Today I will make history as the man with the ultimate nose!

2032-12-01

It worked! Thanks to everyone who livestreamed the operation and has donated to my Patreon! It's only through friends like you that I'm able to keep performing this ground-breaking work. The pain has mostly stopped, and the antibiotics are clearing up the weird infection I got. But it looks like the majority of the odorant receptors in the nasal epithelium have bonded successfully!

If you were on the Discord, you'll already know that today I switched on the neural implant for the first time. All the code is on my GitHub - and a big shout out to user FruntGrucker27 for sending a Pull Request to fix the over-voltage problems. Without that, all I'd be able to smell is the magic smoke leaking out of my head!!

I'm not gonna lie, it has been intense. I have only dialled the settings up to 5% of baseline, but I can already smell the world in a whole new light. I knew that my bread had gone off before I even opened the basket. This is incredible. Over the next few weeks I'll experiment with turning up the gain and seeing how this new superpower can be beneficial to all mankind.

2032-12-15

Getting fired just before Christmas SUCKS ASS!

I entered the break room at work and was marvelling at the incredible smells I'd discovered. With the gain at 2x normal, I could tell who'd been out smoking, who was still a little drunk from the night before, and which person hadn't washed their hands after using the facilities. It was overwhelming and, let's be honest, a little gross.

Janet from reception came in and made small talk. She's always been interested in my research and asked how it was going. I made a passing comment about being able to smell that she was on her period and she reported me to HR! What a bitch. Apparently it's not the only complaint they've had about me making co-workers feel uncomfortable, so they let me go.

I could smell the nervousness radiating off the security guard as he escorted me from the building. Just as I could smell the scent of someone who wasn't his wife lingering on his skin.

Well, please keep hitting that donate button and if any of you have work available, leave a comment below.

2033-04-20

What up, dogs! A lot has happened since I last updated this blog. I know some of you are eager for more updates since I was banned from TikTok for some of my "pranks". Well, I'm pleased to say that I have a new job! Thanks to the generosity of user ThnBlLn911 I got an interview with my local police force. And I am proud to announce that I'm joining the ranks of their dedicated Narcotics Detection Unit as an auxiliary K9 attachment.

Yup - I'm doing sniffer dog training!

I've spent the last few weeks learning how to tell the difference between fentanyl and talcum powder. My nasal settings have been upgraded to about 100x the normal human capability - so I'm not quite as good as a German Shepherd, but I'm getting there. The instructors and officers are so much fun to be around, it's a great working environment with lots of cheeky banter. My new nickname - DogBoy - isn't quite as heroic as I wanted, but it's pretty accurate.

As well as sniffing for drugs, I'm also learning how to tell if someone is carrying suppressed items like counterfeit religious material, or unlicensed books. Not really sure why they're after that, but at least they smell better than the weird scent of magic mushrooms.

If I can help make a few drug busts then I'll be well on my way to becoming a proper superhero.

2033-06-19

Fugg da polize!!! Yup, fired again. There's a reason the police like dogs; dogs obey instructions. I was out on patrol with a new handler when he pulled over a car for, as he claimed, driving erratically. The dude in the car was pretty angry and said he was sick of being racially profiled by the cops. At which point my buddy had me walk around the car to sniff for illicit substances.

With the car window down I could smell the guy's cheap and pungent aftershave. He smelled like he'd recently gotten laid, and I was pretty sure that he'd had a cheeseburger either before or after the act. There was a slight tang of a large roll of cash - but that's still not illegal. The boot had recently stored several cases of fresh fruit and veg which I guess might have been smuggled. But there were no drugs.

As I walked around the car, the cop kept making this weird hand gesture. I told him the car was clean and he got angry. After the young man had driven off, I was told that he'd been giving me the detection signal. Apparently, the K9s were trained to assume the "detect" pose when their handler gave them a hand-signal. That way the cop could search a vehicle if they wanted to. I wasn't going to play ball with that. I've got some integrity!

When we got back to the Cop Shop, I spoke to my supervisor. He said it was all pretty normal and that I should be a good DogBoy and do what I was told.

Instead, I wandered around the office and wrote up a report on which of my colleagues smelled like alcoholics, which ones carried the stench of recent drug use, and which toilet cubicle was being used for an affair between an Inspector and her junior.

No one likes a narc, so I was let go.

2033-09-11

I am officially a superhero! Thanks to some new upgrades and a reconfigured nasal interface, I'm getting close to maximum detection levels. The world is utterly overwhelmingly stinky and I understand why dogs are always so distracted. The wind blows the most incredible sensations to my nose and I feel compelled to follow them.

Subscribers got this story last week (click here to join) but now I'm letting the world know.

I can smell cancer.

The local hospital is using me to detect tumours and other weird diseases. My accuracy rate isn't brilliant yet - but I'm getting better. They're looking to see if they can graft more receptors to the inside of my nose and rewire how they connect into my brain. If it all works, I will literally be able to save lives just by sniffing people!

If you'd like me to smell you, I'll be doing a couple of personal appearances later in the month. Click here to find out more. I'm also available for weddings and other celebrations.

2033-10-01

Today was weird. After nearly a year of being a super smeller, today I met someone with no personal scent! They came into the hospital and had been referred to me for a quick cancer-sniff. They'd been walking on freshly cut grass, their shampoo was medicated and pungent, they obviously had sat next to a smoker recently, and they'd dripped barbecue sauce on their shirt in the last week. But, other than that, nothing! I can usually tell what people have been eating from the stench wafting from their mouth, or I can taste how recently they exercised from their sweat stains. But this guy had nothing. He was a blank canvas.

I didn't say anything to him - I've learned my lesson from the HR disaster of last year (read more) - but the encounter left me uneasy. Was he a robot? Unlikely, I didn't smell circuit boards on him. Could he have been an alien? What's going on!?!?

If you know, please stick a comment in the box below.

2033-10-20

MYSTERY SOLVED!

One of my readers knows Geoff (the guy with no scent) and put me in touch with him. Sorry for breaching your medical privacy Geoff!!

Like me, Geoff has long been fascinated with smells. Unlike me, Geoff hates them. You can watch his YouTube channel to understand what he's done but, basically, he's been genetically engineering Corynebacterium jeikeium. They're the bacteria which convert your sweat to BO. Geoff has been rewriting their code so that they don't fart out loads of volatile organic compounds. His whole body is colonised with these critters which means he can sweat as much as he likes and there's no stench. Man, the deodorant companies must hate him!

There's a whole bunch of other microbiota that he's using. He has stuff in his guts which means his shit literally doesn't stink! Imagine that!! Fart all you like and no one will hold their nose!

He's also invented a chewing gum which reprograms the Peptostreptococcus in your mouth so they can't produce halitosis. No more bad kissing! This guy is amazing. You can follow his social accounts here and learn more about his Kickstarter here.

2033-11-28

Today's the day my world ended. How can I be a superhero any more?

I guess Geoff wasn't using particularly strict biohazard protocols and that's how his microbes got loose. The authorities have put a quarantine around the city. They're spraying everything and everyone with biocide in the hope of stopping the spread. But I think it's too late. The new bacteria have colonised everywhere. They're eating up odours from everywhere and leaving a vacuum in their wake. People are bland, food is tasteless, the flowers in the park give off a scent of static.

It is so weird.

The whole city smells... of nothing.

Thanks for reading

I'd love your feedback on each chapter. Do you like the style of writing? Was the plot interesting? Did you guess the twist? Please stick a note in the comments to motivate me.

You can read the complete set of short stories in order.