Food is delicious and exercise is boring. This is a problem. I'm not going to cut back on delicious treats, and I don't want to get out of breath climbing stairs - so I need to get a bit fitter.
I'm a grumpy old sod, so these are all the things I dislike about this frickin' weird game.
The very first level nets you 900 XP. What? The numbers are meaningless from the beginning. What happens when you reach different levels? WHAT ARE ALL THESE NUMBERS FOR?
What do I do with all this money?
Throughout the game your earn coins. What can you do with them? Eventually, you can buy fancy clothes and other items. All of which serve to make your exercise easier. Yup - you can literally buy your way out of hard work. Which, I guess is neat - but not really in the spirit of the game.
It's also pretty easy to get distracted and spend your morning exercise buying and configuring things. Or maybe that's just me.
The trainers' voices are so American and so perky. I got sick of them after a few rounds. Luckily, I found a hack!
You can set the voices to a foreign language!
I chose Chinese. I have a passing familiarity with the language - so it's like getting a Duolingo lesson at the same time. Ish.
Here's a sample video:
It's kinda nice to have it measure your heartbeat. But also slightly creepy. Does that data ever leave my console?
I obviously have very slippery thighs! No matter how tightly I strap on the thigh-controller (what a sentence!) it always works its way down.
The flex controller is amazing - it really is. You can feel the vibrations throughout the whole structure and it is precise enough to track the exercises. But... it feels fragile. I'm not the Incredible Hulk, but I'm always worried that it'll snap in my hand.
No, I don't want to share my score with my friends. No, I don't care what other people around the world are doing. I play games because I'm antisocial, not because I'm motivated by competing with a hyped-up tween in Arizona.
And I'm not just saying that because my wife is beating me!
— Terence Eden (@edent) May 6, 2020
Yeah, it's also kinda annoying to "lose" exercise. You basically have to spend half your time fiddling with the weird interface, picking potions, choosing clothes. I guess I want a "don't make me think" option where it just picks the right exercises without me having to worry if I have enough XP and Buffs.
The coins are rings. Was this meant to be a Sonic The Hedgehog game? It seems strange that you play as an anonymous avatar and the characters are generic blobs. Perhaps it would be more fun if you were Sonic or Mario running through your game world?
Halfway through jogging round a course the game pauses to tell you that you've levelled up. Why? What can I do with these levels?
Before playing, you have to deal with this confusing mess of a UI.
Sometimes clicking on things selects them, sometimes it opens up another menu. Why do I have to spend time managing this game? Haven't the designers ever heard of "Don't make me think?" I'm exhausted from battling a cartoon dragon - just give me a button which chooses the right exercises.
Mind you, it does also encourage me to stop exercising. Is this reverse psychology?
I managed to pick it up for £70 - which is the RRP. There are plenty of places selling it for 3x that.
A normal game costs about £40, so you're paying £30 for the thigh-strap (a scrap of fabric) and the RingCon (a metal band).
Meh. Still cheaper than an exercise bike.
It's a better workout than grinding away on an exercise bike. It's more distracting than listening to podcasts.
It's a daft way to get exercise - but it seems to be making me sweat. And I'm aching in places that I didn't even realise had muscles. So it's probably working.